Heppers Lepers 5 - 2 The Griffin
Jerzak
Drake 3
Cornwall

Who are these people?

 

A recent demographic study of Heppers Lepers has revealed a quite alarming trend. Much like the resident population of the Russian Federation, the Lepers’ squad is shrinking at a staggering rate. The primary cause of Russia's population decrease is a high death rate combined with a low birth rate. While Russia's birth-rate is comparable to that of other European countries (11.3 births per 1000 people in 2007 compared to the European Union average of 10.00 per 1000) its population declines at much greater rate due to a substantially higher death rate. The reasons for the Lepers’ decline are less obvious; none of the current squad have died, which is surprising for a team of Lepers. In 2006 The Division 6 squad contained 9 regulars (Sheen, Harvey, Drake, Jerzak, Ames, Spike, Stoner, Hoskins, Webb) resulting in constant talk of forming a ‘B’ team. In 2007 the squad shrank by 2 players (Hoskins, Stoner, Webb out / Cornwall in) or by 18%. In 2007, the Russian population shrank by 237,800 people, or by 0.17%. Fortunately due to the Lepers’ relaxed immigration policy the Divisions 1 & 2 squads imported a Norwegian to replace the financial burden of Cornwall.

Following the Leper managerial revolution of Division 3, and the ensuing civil war at Worship Lane, the squad shrinkage quickly accelerated. Following the death of Sheen as manager, Jerzak Stalin consolidated power and became dictator. Following a series of ‘purges’ the Lepers squad was ‘streamlined’ ultimately leading to the team becoming acknowledged as a 5 a-side ‘Superpower’. However, the recent exile of the oligarch Spike, possible to Siberia, or possibly to rural Lei-cester-shire to pursue a policy of collectivization in order to consolidate individual land and labour into collective farms; and the unwillingness of Ames to participate in the Communistic brotherhood of equal payment for beer and football, the squad appears to be in decline once again.

 

 

However, last night’s game must surely have reignited every Leper’s love of football. Having spent 5 weeks in the wilderness, an unusually insipid team were reunited at the bourgeois paradise, the Master Gunner. Having lead a Bolshevik revolt against the Leper chiefs’ plans to retire imminently, Fjortoft’s completion of a hatrick of Division 1 absences was duly noted.

The team’s sprits were lifted upon arrival when they saw that Powerleague’s ‘5 Week Plan’ to upgrade the facilities had not lead to the demise of their beloved Bouncy Castle. Much like the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour in Moscow, which was demolished during the Soviet period and then reconstructed from 1990 – 2000, the centrepiece of the Worship Lane arena had been re-inflated in all of its former glory.

Kick off was delayed by 10 minutes due to an inebriated Ames going missing. And his arrival on to the pitch caused further confusion. Much to Sheen’s exasperation, Ames attempted to undo six seasons worth of tried-and-tested tactics in the first of many arguments as he opted for two roaming defenders. The first five minutes of the game then consisted of Ames body-slamming opposition strikers into the walls and then shouting at the referee for awarding free kicks. The easily-antagonised Sheen joined his fellow Leper by walking out of his area to and disrupting the opposition’s attempts at taking quick free kicks. Had he learnt nothing from his red card the week before? His apparent Black Russian alliance with the referee was certainly put to the test. Black Russia is a term used for a region around Novgorodok, in the western part of contemporary Belarus on the upper reaches of the Neman River.

With 10 minutes on the clock the Lepers were presented with their first clear goal-scoring opportunity when a classic shot on the turn by Drake rebounded to Jerzak - thank you very much. In fact he probably said something less eloquent such as, “fucking get in you bastard”

But the team’s dominance was short-lived when their flawed attempts at Total Football came a cropper finding the Mathmagician Drake stranded in defence. Unable to perform his ‘trick’ of turning and shooting he chose to feed his opponent a crisp pass. Bang!! 1 – 1.

Following the goal, the top end of the team pulled themselves together with Harvey’s legs destroying the opposition’s shape and creating acres of space for Sheen to find Drake. However the squabbling between the two resolute defenders brought back memories of the USSR and the USA during the Cold War, or perhaps even Rocky IV with Drago and Balboa typifying the political struggle. With Survivor’s lyrics to ‘Burning Heart’ in their heads the two warriors battled on. “Two worlds collide, rival nations. It's a primitive clash, venting years of frustrations. Bravely we hope against all hope, there is so much at stake. Seems our freedom's up against the ropes. Does the crowd understand? Is it a East vs. West, or man against man? Can any nation stand alone?” At some point the Griffin snatched another goal giving them a 2-1 lead at half time.

However, it is during these moments of adversity that true leaders emerge, and much like Avram the Great during the last two months of the Premier League season, our very own Avram pulled off a masterstroke of tactical genius. Refusing to be influenced by the colossal reputation of MVP he substituted the Heppers Lepers star man for Cantona Cornwall. He then brought Harvey back into a Michael Essien-inspired defensive position. It has been said that Avram Grant lost the confidence of his players following the disastrous defeat to Rottenham in the League Cup Final and that the players, lead by John Terry, rallied together and decided to ignore the puppet in charge and win games in spite of his incompetence. It has also been said that a manager who has been blessed with a squad of world-class players can simply pick any team and go with the flow. This could certainly be true for the Lepers where the manager has been blessed with such unparalleled talent.

The second half was a world away from the first, with Jon Harvey the obvious choice for man of the match. Without succumbing to mundane footballing phrases it truly was a game of two halves with Harvey dominating the proceedings. In the space of 5 minutes, mono-turner Drake had collected two carbon-copy throws from Sheen and dispatched them both into the bottom right-hand corner of the goal. His celebratory shouts of joy seem to get louder and louder each week. Much like the ‘wanker’ game that some rebellious adolescents would play in school, where a collection of unruly youths would take it in turn to each say ‘wanker’ louder than the previous little oike, Drake appears to have decided to shout “YEAAAH … COME ON!” every time louder than for the previous goal, much to the annoyance of all opponents.

The goal for Drake’s hatrick, which was completed with 5 minutes remaining, was retribution for the previous game between these two teams. Last time around it was a Drake shot against the post which sent the opposition through on goal; this time a save by Sheen’s creaky knees sent Drake clean through on goal. He made no mistake with the finish but his celebratory shout seemed slightly over the top until one remembered the rules of his fad. This goal took his tally for the season to an impressive 23, just 5 short of his Division 2 record.
With 2 minutes remaining, Cantona Cornwall got his name on the score sheet with a sublime finish. His curling, dinked chip around the keeper certainly added some gloss to the result, but unfortunately was not the “winning goal” he claimed!

 

 

 

The Lepers enjoyed the excellently refurbished washroom facilities and a free pint at the bar before heading back to the Gunner. Unfortunately for Harvey, several of the squad exercised their capitalist right to veto payment for the game leaving him £34 out of pocket for just half an hour of football. Perhaps he will have a quiet word with the KGB and have a few more Lepers disappear ……