Let's introduce this man as Sheeno: he has been known as many other things on a football field, but let us start there.

Sheeno's footballing career started at Weald FC. He was instantly recognised as a player of supreme talent, scoring in his first match, against Ide Hill. Not long afterwards, Sheen had placed himself as top scorer in a team a year above him, mainly due to his exploitation of the lack of an offside rule in schoolboy football. The next season, as Sheen entered his final year, he was glorified with the role of captain. He also took on the dual role of goalkeeper and striker. When the mighty yellows played up the hill, Sheen took the gloves, going down the hill, he was a deadly predator, again securing top goalscorer. As captain, he also secured a place in the side for his comrade Simon Jones, who still holds the Weald football photo as one of his prized possesions.

Upon joining secondary school Sheen was thrown into the footballing wilderness (like many of his colleagues). Enforced into a world of pointless egg-chasing, which 99% of pupils rejected as a sport, he needed to resurrect his career. A brief spell at Tonbridge Olympic did little to bring the talent of Sheen back into the mainstream focus. Two games, both on the left wing, failed to secure Sheen a regular place and he was left to his own devices once again.

Soon after however, a school tournament emerged. 6-a-side was a new concept to the lad, but he was willing to accept the challenge. Eagerly, he turned up. After starting the first game of the first incarnation of Hepper's Lepers, Sheeno was relegated to the substitutes' bench for the remainder of the tournament. The final saw Drake missing a penalty to lose the Lepers the trophy.

After this match there was a brief period when football matches were permitted by the school. An inter-form tournament saw Sheen starring in his form's victories, and getting a late call for the school side to play "The Brookies". Sheen's unfortunate streak continued as he was given a detention that night (for something totally pointless, no doubt). Sheen made it to the pitch with a desperate sprint from detention, however he vomitted within a few seconds.

Soon a new opportunity arose. Christian Lloyd had been involved with a side in Sevenoaks called Wilderpark. The side,  formerly made up of postmen, were struggling for players in the new New Labour world. The call came out to a few of Christian's friends and they gladly accepted. Languishing at the bottom of the league, Wilderpark were in trouble. Sheen's first match saw him salvage the team a point with an athletic scissor-kick clearance off his own line.

Sheen's second match was not quite so successful. Playing at Tatsfield, Sheen was encouraged by his fellow centre-half H, who exuded confidence. Unfortunately, disaster struck soon after kick-off, as an ill-judged rush by the Wilderpark keeper left the goal unguarded. The shot came in and Sheen made one of the best diving saves of all time, onto the post and out for a corner. However, it was not a corner as Sheen was not a goalkeeper. The referee duly noted this and gave an emotional Sheen his marching orders. The opposition keeper went on to score a hat-trick, all penalties. This was the first game that future Leper Harvey had experienced of the Sheeno effect.

A fantastic end to the season saw more disillusioned Judd people ignoring the silly "sport" and joining the 'Park, as well as the legendary Paolo Martin. The end of the season came about with Sheeno walking (being carried) away with his first ever footballing award, Players' Player of the Year. He subsequently threw up down the side of his mother's car.

The season after saw a Wilderpark side reach its potential. The youngsters stormed to a league title (shared), despite the despicable behaviour of Sevenoaks Town B. Two fantasic goals from Sheen confirmed him as one of the main players. The first, a diving header, in off the shoulder, was against their rivals Sevenoaks Town, a game which also saw Pat Feast experience a goal-scoring moment. The week after saw a bloodthirsty match against Riverhead. An early broken nose for drake looked bad bt when Hood got crushed by the keeper, it looked worse. Sheen took no notice and with the sight of Hood being crushed in the corner of his eye, he struck a precise overhead kick into the top-corner.

An unfortunate injury to Sheen ruled him out of the majority of the title run-in. A criminal hack at his ankles left the man in agony on the floor, grabbing his father's ankle to prevent him from berating the perpetrator. Belatedly Sheen made his comeback in the last match of the season, a game in which the fiery Dan Carr was sent off for the opposition. Sheeno, having consumed the majority of a pack of Saint-O-Mer entered the field and took two throw-ins before the final whistle went in Tonbridge Park on a sensational season. Wilderpark registered record attendances that season - including ladies!!!

The season after saw the Park reach new heights, though narrowly missing out on promotion. The highlight a 40-yard strike from Sheen into the top corner against John Salako's brother, in a 14-0 victory.

Sheen again returned to a period of footballing darkness, emerging as a goalkeeper with promise. With the mainstays of the Wilderpark side having migrated to universities around the country, Sheen was left in the side nearly alone, fortunate to have his comrade John Harvey as a reluctant sidekick.

The season was disastrous for Wilderpark. They were beaten from pillar to post. But from adversity comes strength, and Sheen was the lone strength. A series of batterings were prevented from being a whole lot worse as Sheen pulled off save after save, at one point notching 8 mentions out of 10 games in the Sevenoaks Chronicle.

After consistently abusing students, Sheeno boarded the Uni train and headed off to Leicester. His first task was to get into the Halls team. Unfortunately, Sheen was overlooked for a bloke that was 5 foot 2 and not the goalkeeping type. Sheen bided his time, often with a can or two, while the idiots crumbled to pathetic defeats against very poor sides. He was eventually given his chance but by that point there was nothing to play for.

In the meantime, Sheen got to play with the well-regarded CivSoc team in Nottingham. An inauspicious start saw Sheen humiliated, although luckily he redeemed himself with some decent saves. His second match saw a near walkover and Sheen was given the chance to score with a penalty. This was missed quite spectacularly as the keeper dived the wrong way but still had time to get up and pick up the ball!!!

In the second year of uni Sheeno joined up more closely with the ideology of Matthew Ames at East Park Road. Whilst having some of the players from the Stamford Hall team, there looked like more quality was available. The EPR boys had a good season, but not good enough to make real progress in any tournaments. The highlight of the season was the  match againt the Greek-Cypriot Society. The weather conditions were atrocious so the EPR boys thought that a few pints down at Hogans watching the Buoyd smash the 'Gers would be acceptable as the game would be called off. Mother nature took her revenge on the boozing boys as the game was allowed to continue. Only minutes into the game the ball was played through to a Greek man, only for Sheen to advance on the ball; as the Greek hurdled Sheen there was a suspicion that Sheen had flicked his heel towards the south-eastern-European. In response, the Greek charged at Sheen, finger-pointing, and came close to striking Sheen. This was clearly a chance for a drunken Sheen to go to ground clasping his face. The Greek was sent from the field for a lack of respect, while Sheen tried to extricate himself from the mud.

A lack of respect had been noted in the second year from certain elements of the side, particularly those that considered themselves biblical, or maybe just a bit Batty (or his disciple).

It was clear that Sheen needed to be elevated to the managerial fold. He nurtured several fringe members into the squad, such as Brett Woodehouse. He also helped to bring in James, Colin and the brilliant Lee from a rival gang! In a great season, the EPR boys lost just one game and continued to bring delight to their supporters. There were obstacles to overcome, particularly the pieces of glass in the hand after one night out. In one of Sheen's final games he attracted his final word from one rival. After a vigorous challenge on the goalkeeper, he was labelled "FILTH" by Sir Lewis. Never to be seen again. That was the end of Sheeno's Uni career.

During university Sheen had developed a strong relationship with his home-village team Weald FC. A few decent performances had established Sheen as a regular. An indifferent season for the first season saw a second team created. Sheen then saw his opportunity to develop the youth of the future whilst remaining part of the side. In Weald Reserves' first season they were unable to succeed in their goal of promotion.

However, the second season saw Sheen emerge as a fully grown goalkeeper who helped steer the side to runners-up in both the league and the cup. Very unfortunate to lose the cup final 1-0 in a well-attended match. Sheen's career soon descended into disarray as he lost confidence in a game being bought out by Russin Yen and American Kroon. It was time for a break, so it was time to move to the footballing desert of North London.

Despite his abdication of the game, Sheen thought it might be worth getting a five-a-side team together...........