Heppers Lepers 10 – 2 Ring of Fire
Jerzak 2
Drake 4, 8, 18, 22
Harvey 9, 14, 20
Ames 12
Fjortoft 25
Club Tropicana drinks may come for free but the Heppers Lepers exotic flowing display against Ring of Fire certainly came at a price - £56 to be exact. With the evil, money-grabbing, Powerleague corporation raising match fees in Season 5 the Lepers were clearly looking to give their fans better value for money as they romped to a 10 – 2 victory.
The squad fallout caused by the 9.20pm kick off could have spelt catastrophe for the new Jerzak / Drake managerial regime but they were able to call on veteral-rookie Fjortoft to fill the gap. The only thing more disgraceful than the number of absences was the awful selection of excuses given: Cornwall claimed to be taking part in a Roller Disco at the Angel Centre, Stoner was practising his new trade as a carpenter repairing his front door which has been badly damaged during a break-in … by himself; Student Spike was on a ‘field trip’ searching for Rhinos in Norfolk; and Webb was yet again banned from playing by his parents as the late kickoff meant he would have missed hot coco and his bedtime story.
Despite the many absences the Lepers arrived with a formidable squad of Sheen, Ames, Harvey, Fjortoft, Drake & Jerzak. Their opposition had been relegated from Division 1 the previous season and the Lepers were looking forward to being placed in what they believed would be a challenging division. Unfortunately / fortunately their opposition wouldn’t have looked out of place in Division 6 and the Glory Days of playing teams like JP Morgan, Olympic Blackheath, Jeronimo and of course the comical Chavs was recalled with great nostalgia. Their opposition managed to hold out for just 2 minutes before Jerzak was the first Leper to penetrate the Ring (of Fire). Drake then added a quick double following 17 shots at goal doing his shots : goals ratio no harm at all! Ames and Harvey (2) quickly added to the festivities taking the Lepers into half time 6 – 1 ahead. Sheen was perhaps slightly at fault for the goal, but nowhere near as faulty as his prematch remark that he had joined Harvey in the ‘50 Games Hall of Fame’. This prestigious accolade is only awarded to Lepers who participate in 50 consecutive games of course!
The Total Football continued in the second half with the Lepers looking like the Arsenal side which took apart Sparta Prague – except the Lepers didn’t reach this level by spending the last few years in the wilderness playing “attractive football” without winning anything! Drake struck gold again hammering home his 73rd shot of the night before Ames decided that enough was enough and started tacking the pish. Backheels, lollipops, Cruyff Turns galore! Jerzak joined in on the action and played a smart backheel straight to an opposition player setting him free on goal – fortunately he was so slow pulling the trigger that Jerzak managed to get back and make the tackle!
Harvey then banged in another one following a tackle on the opposition last man before Fjortoft managed to size up his angles and score a goal via the keeper’s knee and then a defender’s face. Clinical! Drake completed the decimalisation by tucking away his 100th shot of the night to make the final score 10 – 2.
Not only did the lads go on to enjoy a long awaited roast down the MG, but as a totally unconnected event the Powerleague receptionist decided to nullify Ring of Fire’s 2 goals as a reward for the Lepers’ gentlemanly approach to the evening.