The chaos and catastrophe which was predicted to follow the Decimalisation of London Powerleague was nowhere in sight as the Lepers strolled to an appropriate 10 – 0 victory. The PWC Mencaps displayed their disapproval of D-Day by not turning up – it is expected that accountants and other number-counting-type-people may become obsolete and be out of a job by 2008 due to the simplicity of Decimalisation.

The Lepers are leading ‘The Campaign to Decimalise All’ with Shovelfoot Stoner acting as spokesman. “Our mission is to decimalise the world. We want 100 seconds in one minute; 10 minutes in one hour; 10 hours in a day; 10 days in a week and 1000 days in a year.”

The plan is for one new second to be the equivalent of one old second and not for one new second to become 8.64 old seconds which would have ensured that it remains light and dark once each day. This proposal would mean that a new day would last just 2.77 old hours giving people little time to travel to work each day. Instead of reformatting all old records to fall in line with the Decimalised World, they would simply be discarded! Controversial indeed.

Decimalisation of our currency occurred on 15th February 1971 when the existing ‘copper’ coins were replaced with new decimal denominations. The sixpence continued in use, with a value of 2.5 new pence. The ten shilling note was replaced with a 50 new pence coin. The tabloids predicted mayhem but the transition was successful. Although a full day of less than 3 hours seems insane, the proposal of 3 working days followed by 2 weekend days is gaining great support. As Stoner explained, “It doesn’t really matter what you’re used to, you’ll get used to the new way. People look back now and think it was crazy to measure in inches, feet and yards. Those same people will look back and think it mad that we had 60 seconds in an hour, or 24 hours in a day, or even 365 days in a year. They are such random numbers.”

With PWC decimalised, a local challenger stepper forward in the form of Decimus FC. The Lepers had a healthy squad with only Phil Hoskins unavailable due to leprosy of the knee. On the website, the Lepers Scrolling Info-bar had been correct with its rumour of a Jerzak comeback this week and he made the bench after 10 cruel weeks of injury. Jerzak was joined on the bench by The Stoner Ranger and Hotshot Webb who turned up hiccupping following a post-work boozing session. Nobody could fault his dedication to goals. The starting 5 consisted of Sheeno in goal, MVP at the back, Harvey in the middle, Drake upfront and Spike everywhere in a desperate attempt to impress his WAG on the sidelines.

The game started early as the referee in the preceding game had only played ten minutes of the first half – was this a sign?? Matt Ames continued his hot-streak from the previous week and slammed home the first to make it 1 – 0. Ames then hit the base of the post before a cleverly worked team goal left Harvey in acres of space to make it 2 – 0. An early substitution gave Webb the chance to drunkenly stumble onto the pitch in place of Harvey. Spike then grabbed a 3rd before directing his celebration towards his WAG who had unfortunately missed the goal as she was intent on reading the Metro cover-to-cover rather than watch the Lepers.

Fresh from his snowboard adventures in the Alps, Drake then notched what must go down as number 1 in his ever-expanding collection of dubious goals. Following a smart butter-to-back-540 he then rode-the-gap-rail before sending a fakie-tail-grab goalwards. The keeper totally wiped out as the ball crashed off the post and hit him on the back of the head. He managed to get a hand to it but somehow threw it into his own net. Dubious!

Decimus then grabbed a couple of goals due to some fairly non-existent defending by the Lepers – one goal an unmarked dink from the edge of the box; the second found Drake on the wrong end of a 2 on 1 counter attack. Stoner then entered the field and got stuck in as usual. His lack of ball control at one point resulted in an opponent being rugby tackled to the floor. Bosh! Drake then took a chance from distance to bring the score back to a respectable 5 – 2.

With 2 minutes remaining in the half Jerzak returned to take his cherished position on the edge of the D with the Lepers switching from the Christmas Tree to the Cruciform Formation. Jerzak managed to get a couple of decent touches (of the opponents’ shins) before the half time whistle was blown.

The second half commenced with Stoner sulking on the sidelines unhappy with his first half performance. Much to the annoyance of Sheen, Spike and Ames continually took it in turns to try and beat all 4 outfield Decimus players in a frenzied quest for goal of the season. Finally one of Ames’ runs came to fruition as he Macarena’d past 3 players before Be-bopping the ball home.

A Jerzak and Stoner Ginger Power Play saw several of the opposition players knocked to the floor and a couple of wayward shots struck. As last man back, Spike then attempted an audacious piece of skill trying to Cruyff-turn past an opponent but lost the ball. This was apparently under the guidance of Sheen and could’ve proved costly had it not been for some good goalkeeping. Perhaps the Bear wanted a piece of the action?

With the scores set at 6 – 2, Webb could’ve and should’ve added more but the voices in his head instructed him to walk away from the ball having controlled it well on the edge of the box. Fortunately MVP added some gloss to the scoreline by sending a 30 yard pea-roller underneath the keeper. However, the Lepers’ copy book was quickly blotted as Decimus shot from kick off. Sheeno saved the shot but Jerzak was caught ball-watching and not following up. With a Decimus player bearing down on goal, Sheeno grabbed the ball as it bounced out the box. A penalty was awarded and was put away to make the final score 7 – 3. Was the goal accidental or was it in fact a clever ploy by Jerzak and Sheeno to ensure that a 10th goal was scored on D-Day?

Down the Gunner Sheeno announced he was going on a sabbatical for 3 weeks and would not be back until the only game of any worth this season against RGL. The gloves were handed over to MVP, although his current form outfield could lead to a different choice of goalkeeper next week. Maybe Stoner if he doesn’t do his f***ing biog. Spike was nowhere to be seen which prompted several of the team to decide that WAGs should be banned from games, except Coach Jana of course.

When asked about his current run of good form, MVP pondered before replying, “I share my substance with the poor, making no display of good works, lest I let hypocrisy and vainglory, those enemies that subtly take possession of the most watchful heart, find an entrance into mine.” Goalscorer, defender, goalkeeper and a lover of Shakespeare! Is there anything this lad can’t do?

With Webb sat in the corner ashamed of his performance and Cowboy boots being passed around the table, the drinks began to flow. The Lepers team may enter the preliminary rounds of Le Tournoi to be played at Wembley over the summer. However it appears to clash with an Egg-Chasing dinner which could be problematic. If the Lepers were to perform in yet another tournament like the successful Winter Cup, they need to be familiar with the pitch so qualifying at a different venue is not a wise move.

Each team member set about decimalisely drinking 10 pints before Stoner smartly pointed out that they would have to drink 10 litres to be truly metric. With the pint glass symbol soon to be replaced by the Communïtèêé Ėúrõpëãn logo, D-Day is truly upon us. However, the old pint represented 0.568 litres and so the Lepers are campaigning for the new standard measure to be 1 litre and the ladies’ half pint to simply become a half litre. Mash! Throw away your old watches and get with the times - Decimalisation is upon us.