Wino Will Webb waits in wings while winners wallop wannabes

The Lepers’ preparations for this week’s game were disrupted by the sensational breaking news that Lionel Messi is set to join Heppers Lepers FC. Recent media speculation which suggested that the 19 year old Argentinean was looking for a move to England was further fuelled by Messi’s latest comments, "I'm an Argentine, from Rosario, and a leper." With obvious concerns that the Lepers could face a fine or even be docked points for tapping up a contracted player, team manager Sheeno had cut his seaside holiday short to douse the flames, “Lionel Messi is a fantastic player and we would love to have him at our club. However, we have not held any talks with the player, his agent or Barcelona. Even if we were interested I’m not sure we could afford his £100m price tag.”

 

With the prospect of a new leper on the horizon, all 9 Lepers were out in force to prove their worth. Drunk Drake and Wino Will Webb met early doors to discuss drinking tactics. With the much loved winning formula of Beer = Goals already established, the experimental lads decided to try and create a new winning modus operandi using the basic ingredients: red wine, red wine, sambucca and red wine.

 

Drake and Webb were soon joined by Sheeno who had caught the Stella Express from Slovakia to London; Harvey arriving on a push bike following the mysterious disappearance of his car which may or may not be related to Sheen again; a shinpad-less Spike looking to translate beer into goals and finally the mischievous ginger duo joining the session.

 

 

Having completed their third bottle of wine with thirty minutes remaining until kick off, Drake and Webb ordered a round of sambuccas for the team in a dangerous ploy to test out the new formula. The shots were necked and the boys headed down to the pitches. They were joined by MVP who might have been having a few drinks with Messi. Sheen put the 8 names down on the teamsheet and the lads entered the arena. Suddenly chaos struck and Hoskins turned up! With a maximum game squad of 8 players the Lepers discussed which players could pretend to look like each other to sneak all 9 onto the pitch. Hoskins had looked vaguely like Drake on previous occasions, however he would have to roll his eyes back in his head, dribble and walk sideways to resemble today’s drunken fool. Stoner and Jerzak could perhaps perform some kind of ginger magic, especially as everybody thinks all gingers look the same anyway with all copper-topped kings regularly being subjected to, “oi mate, do you know you look like Bradley from Eastenders”. Before an appropriate doppelganger could be chosen, manager Sheen took things into his own humongous hands and asked the referee what the maximum squad size was. This seemed rather foolish at the time, especially because everyone knew it was 8 and Sheen always filled out the team sheet which only had space for 8 names and was even numbered 1 – 8!!! 

 

The game kicked off with Webb, Hoskins, Stoner and Jerzak ordered by Sheen to fight over the 3 available squad places on the sidelines. Some felt that recently-returned Sheen should have been involved in this self-inflicted problem but he was hiding behind his 35 centimetre gloves. With no hope of Webb simply passing out, a game-plan needed to be devised … and fast!

Webb suggested a ‘Game of 5s’ however when it was pointed out that nobody had an alcoholic beverage to hand it was decided that a drinking game was inappropriate. It was therefore agreed that a Paper / Scissors / Stone tournament was the best idea. With none of the players realising that the Stone Ranger had a distinct advantage being that the game is 33.33% about him the tournament commenced. The preliminary heats saw Jerzak drawn against Webb and Stoner facing Hoskins. Jerzak and Webb both pulled out Scissors and then Stones together at a frenetic pace. And then Webb struck gold as his paper wrapped Jerzak’s stone. Obviously it was a best of 3 so the game continued. After another stone tie, Jerzak triple-bluffed by pulling out yet another stone to blunt Webb’s scissors. After a quick celebration Sudden Death commenced.

Immediately Jerzak struck the decisive blow with a scissors to paper psyche-out. In the other heat Stoner won 2 – 0 with 2 Stones. With Stoner’s Stones carrying twice the force of a regular Stone he is almost impossible to beat. He responded, “I didn’t make the rules up.” Clearly he did!

With perfect timing, Sheen saw the opportunity to make an immediate substitution bringing Jerzak on for Spike. Apparently the score was 3 – 0 at this point but the crowd didn’t care, they wanted to witness the finale of the Paper / Scissors / Stone tournament. Hoskins promptly crushed Webb with a roundhouse Paper, Paper, Scissors, Paper combo leaving Webb to get back to being drunk.

The first goal of the game had fallen to Spike as he Rhino’d the ball home after a brutal tackle. Spike’s style of play has certainly changed since the early days of Division 6 and you will now often see him dribbling the ball around the opposition and even his own players en route to goal. However, it was good to see him get back to some proper Rhinoing with this first goal.

The second goal fell to Harvey as he intercepted a roll out by the keeper to Emu the ball home. Ames then added his name to the score sheet as he Snaked his way through the defence and slithered the ball home.

The opposition decided not to take the beating lying down and fought back with shoulder-barges and late tackles. The dodgy referee decided to ignore these fouls to give an advantage to the losing side. Some referees in Powerleague are rubbish and help out losing sides much like the ‘Slower-Car-Boost’ available in Sega Rally 2. However, the Lepers are not a side to take a beating and they fought back. Much to their disbelief, the idiot ref sin-binned MVP for pushing one of their players in the back. Previously the only players to have been sin-binned were Sheen in Division 6 for charging out of the D to throw a player into the hoarding, and Stoner for pushing a player over after the whistle had been blown. Never before had a Leper been dismissed for an incident during open play!

With a 5 on 4 Powerplay, PWC managed to concede a goal scored by Drunk Drake. The new formula had begun to work its magic …

And then disaster struck as Sheen rolled the ball out to Harvey but a PWC player made the interception and drove the shot home. Surely MVP would be allowed to rejoin the action following an opposition goal? That’s how Powerplays work in the NHL?? But no, the idiot ref allowed the Powerplay to continue.

The halftime break was reached with the scores set at 4 – 1. The Lepers had coped well against the Powerplay. 

With practically the first move of the second half Jerzak was sin-binned for a shoulder-barge. The opposition player took exception to the challenge and attempted a cheeky-monkey punch which Jerzak ducked. The cheeky opposition player remained on field? Surely somebody would avenge the missed punch. It certainly upset Sheen enough for him to throw the ball in the direction of the referee and shout some angry abuse.

With another 5 on 4 Powerplay taking place, Drake took evasive action. He found retribution in the form of a giant kangaroo kick up the opponent’s @rse. The referee responded in his usual awful manner by giving both players a straight red card. This was a club record as it was the first red card for the Lepers and also for Drake whose idol Gary Lineker would certainly not have been impressed. It did however provide the missing link for the new club formula which now reads: red wine + red wine + red wine + red wine = red card. Simplicity.

The game recommenced with a 4 on 3 Powerplay with only 2 outfield players playing for the Lepers. The sidelines were awash with infamous characters while Hoskins and MVP battled on.

The 2 lads defended like lions until the Powerplay ended, at which point normal service was resumed and the Lepers cruised to a 6 – 1 lead through goals by MVP who completed one of the most anonymous hatricks ever to grace a Leper’s pitch.

However, the game took another ridiculous turn as the referee again attempted to ruin the proceedings by sin-binning Jerzak for a 2nd time for a fairly innocuous scuffle in the corner. This was a second record of the night and quite clearly should have been a red card but the referee must have thought it was Stoner or even Bradley from Eastenders who was previously sin-binned. The mysterious ginger art of deception had worked its magic again.

Back to a 4 on 3 Powerplay, the Lepers mocked poor PWC by smashing home a 7th of the night. Spike completed his brace much to the jubilation of the on looking fans (and the enormous collection of dismissed players including Webb laughing like a hyena!) These boys hadn’t danced around so much since the pre-match warmup in the changing rooms pumping out Thin Lizzy’s, The Boys Are Back In Town.

With Spike dedicating his goals to the late Bob Woolmer, the team headed down to the pub to work out who dunnit. Was it those same dastardly, devious, deceitful, dishonest characters who blew up the Tube, or was it in fact Christopher Hull in a last ditch attempt to move the balance of sporting goods power from Tonbridge to Tunbridge Wells?

The lepers celebrated the third and final club record last night by giving a Hooray for hardman Harvey’s half-year heroics. 26 consecutive appearances on the pitch and in the MG. That must surely be an unbeatable record and one that should stand the test of time. Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away. Haven't changed, haven't much to say. But man, I still think them cats are crazy.

Talk quickly switched to Friday’s plans to meet stag-to-be Jamie Turner at some unspecified point along the Bakerloo line. And after that the team can focus on next week’s challenge – bottom of the league Kenny’s Reds who claimed their first points of the season last night! The Lepers will be extremely short-staffed for the 5:15 kick off with Webb and Stoner doubtful for work reasons, Drake suspended by the FA and Sheen away “doubling”?? Harvey, Hoskins and Jerzak have all confirmed their attendance with no news yet from Spike or MVP. Perhaps this week’s game was a training session for a game of 5 v 3 against Kenny’s Reds. Let’s hope not!

Breaking news brought to you in association with Kronenbourg 1664:

Rulers wrangle as rubbish Referee rewrites rulebook
Wino Will Webb waits in wings while winners wallop wannabes
Dirty Dubious Drake’s dark disciplinary day
Hooray for hardman Harvey’s half-year heroics
Spike scores with superb shots to succeed in suicide session