Post-it like Beckham

Heppers Lepers 5 - 3 Blue Group
Drake (3, 4, 12, 18)
Ames (5)
*Sheen Sent Off (3)

Last night, Karma dealt its twisted hand in quite bizarre circumstances. And the Lepers defeated it! The previous meeting between these two teams saw a managerless Lepers side exhibit characateristic unsporting behaviour by forcing their depleted opposition to participate with only four players. But these decisions have a nasty way of coming back to bite you, much like a sneaky reptile snapping at its prey. An unprecedented string of events saw The Bear sin-binned and then red-carded in the space of two seconds by the lizard-faced referee pursuing his reptilian agenda. Two years of taunts about Heppers Lepers being a one-man team were about to be put to the test!

But before we get stuck into the nitty-gritty, there is a story to tell and a story should be structured with a beginning, a middle and an end. Unless of course your name is Quentin Tarantino and you ignore this rule. But to be honest, anybody with a name like Quentin should be ignored, unless he is a snake. Quentin is a good name for a snake.

Anyway, following last week’s catastrophic loss to Marex, Avram decided to experiment with a new method to communicate with his lepers. And he struck gold, or to be more specific, ‘canary yellow’ with the ingenious use of Post-it Notes. The Post-it note is a piece of stationary with a re-adherable strip of adhesive on the back, designed for temporarily attaching notes to documents and to other surfaces such as walls, desks and more recently the computer monitors of unfortunate subordinates.

Post-it Notes can be found in the ‘stationary cupboard’ at work, so called because it is a cupboard which never moves.

The first Leper to receive a note was birthday boy Spike. It was a clear and simple message to defend. And boy did he defend. It was a throwback to the Rhino days of Division 6 as he bullied his way around the pitch wrestling the ball from the hapless opposition. Drake also had a message of his own, and his message was clear and simple. He slammed home his 90th career goal for the Lepers and may have shouted “I love shooting”.

This first goal of the game gave Avram the opportunity to race onto the pitch and stick Post-it Notes on to his chosen substitutes. He also stuck a note on The Bear’s crossbar to communicate another motivational message but the Bear quite literally lost it. Within seconds of the restart, Lizard-face awarded Blue Group a dubious free kick much to the displeasure of the Bear. Ignoring the agreed team method of communicating using Post-it Notes, the temperamental keeper hoofed the ball away earning himself a two minute chillout. But instead of going quietly he approached the ref in a menacing manner and blew in his face. “In the current footballing cliiiimat. ‘e ‘ad to gooee”, is what Andy Gray might have said. Later reports suggested that the keeper pulled off his shirt in disgust before absconding to Finsbury Park with a can of Stella. This dramatic display of histrionics lead the Lepers to collectively write a Post-it Note saying, “It would have been nice to know you were going to walk off without saying goodbye!”

With a potential relegation dog-fight on the cards, the Lepers looked in dire straits but rose to the challenge like a crocodile-humanoid standing on its hind legs. Within minutes they were miraculously 3-0 ahead thanks to goals by Drake and Ames. Drake also hit the post which may have been the result of some confusion over the message to “Post-it”.

Harvey was covering more ground than the 26 miles he had run on Sunday, and Fjortoft had swapped flair for fight giving the depleted team some much-needed resilience. The dopey opposition managed to sneak a goal just before half time leaving the Lepers with plenty to think about. Ames took charge of the half-time team talk leaving the idiotic Avram fumbling for a pen and his book of yellow stickies. Ames ordered Drake to stop bleating about the crazy red card and concentrate on winning the game.

The Lepers commenced the second half with great strength much to the opposition’s frustration. And their foolishness was exploited by the Rhino who lured one clown into the sin bin like a shepherd coaxing sheep using a whistle and his sheep-crocodile. With the numbers equal, the Lepers went for the jugular. Drake was finding it far too easy to escape his marker and slotted home a strike from close range. Avram had cleverly stuck a note on the ball which stated “Drake, when you get this note, shoot!” before fizzing it upfield.

But the cold-blooded crocodilia in charge showed his displeasure with the Lepers dominance and awarded a penalty when Avram’s momentum caused his body to leave the D. This is a total inconsistency with Powerleague rules because outfield players are permitted to enter the D without the ball, so goalkeepers should be allowed out of the D without the ball. Luckily, Avram’s new daytime job had giving him good experience of overcoming nonsensical rules and he cleverly stuck a Post-it Note to the cross bar behind him. As the striker ran forward to take the penalty, Avram dived to his side exposing his sticky which read “HIT ME!” The fool duly obliged.

Any thoughts of Ames’ new leadership skills being put to good use were quickly forgotten as the Yorkshire Ripper received his marching orders for the fourth consecutive week. Fortunately he took a very blue, Blue Grouper with him. “You’re my boy, Blue” was what Avram wanted to say, but due to his speech impediment he simply stuck a Post-it on Ames.

Fjortoft and Harvey saw out the last two minutes in magnificent fighting spirit. The Blue boys managed to squirm in a lucky goal at one point, but they couldn’t cope with Harvey’s legs.