1 March 2007 – Norf Laandan FC
The Lepers drew on their incredible strength in depth to brush aside mid-table Norf Laandan FC. The current fixture congestion should cause little concern to player-manager Sheen after this week’s demonstration of the squad rotation system – one can only hope that Rafa Benitez can follow suit this weekend and grab 3 points against ManUSA.
The pre-match dossier on the opposition was handed out to the Lepers and it was up to the usual high standard - even containing a report on a ‘Proposal for the development of an online database to store information on brewers’ kegs and casks’. One wondered whether Sheen had taken the ‘Beer = Goals’ motto a little far!
With MVP Ames and Webb the Cottager both returning with a point to prove, the game commenced at a surprisingly slow pace. Supersub Webb, making only the 2nd start of his Lepers career, had a couple of early shots saved before Ames illustrated why the MVP moniker has stuck. Charging down the left flank he let rip with a BELTER into the bottom corner of the goal.
Within seconds Ames had struck again. Harvey played a short ball up to Webb who held it up before distributing it out to Ames on the left wing. Ames’ second goal had a sense of déjà vu about it as he charged down the wing and sent a SCREAMER into the far corner of the goal. 2-0 and cooking on gas!
Within seconds Ames had struck again, again! Sheeno rolled a quick ball out to Harvey who played a cute flick with the outside of his right boot. Ames picked up the ball on the left wing and with a sense of déjà déjà vu he charged down the left wing and sent a PEARLER into the far corner of the goal. Was it 3-0, or was it 1-0 and déjà vu had played a cruel trick on our minds??? It was 3-0!
Harvey, playing with one eye on the ball and one on the camera, fluffed a couple of chances before some weak defending allowed NLFC back into the game. Ames played the ball back to Sheen before finding some space further up the wing. Spike made himself available on the right; Harvey spun off a defender and Webb trudged upfront expectantly. Sheeno sized up the options before rolling the ball straight to the lonesome NLFC centre forward. The striker dinked the ball back past Sheen into the goal. Sheeno’s dislike of his team mates during games is well documented; perhaps he had taken it a bit far by not passing to any of them.
With a few minutes remaining in the half, Ames broke through on the left wing. Feeling a sense of déjà déjà déjà vu, this reporter leaned over the hoarding to capture the wonder strike on camera. What left MVP’s left boot was not a belter or a screamer or a pearler – it was a lamb shank of a hook and almost took my bl00dy head off! And to almost add injury to insult I tripped over the Heppers new match ball and could’ve re-broken my broken foot! Fortunately I didn’t.
The first half ended with a decisive piece of play from Spike. Having unfortunately lost the ball whilst driving forward on one of his marauding runs, he charged back the full length of the field to dispossess the NLFC goalscorer on the edge of the box. This strong defending ensured the Lepers reached the interval with the score set at 3-1.
Sixth man Stoner’s first touch in the second half was unfortunately not as reckless as last week’s entrance and the game continued without violence. Poor form! Within moments of the restart, NLFC counter attacked and caught the Lepers napping. With Spike and Stoner charging back, MVP was outnumbered 2 on 1 and could do nothing as the ball was squared across him to the unmarked striker. A slotted finish past the Bear brought NLFC right back into it – 3-2. Sheeno’s sidewards (sic) glare said it all – it was sick!
The game became a dogfight with both teams scrapping for a goal. Spike had several long distance strikes saved; NLFC wasted a few good chances and both teams began kicking each other. With the crowd waiting for Stoner to attack, he suffered a cruel injury – The Hoody Ankle. In footballing folklore, The Hoody Ankle is arguably as famous as The Cruyff Turn or the Higuita Scorpion Kick. It was named after Heppers Lepers ’95 founder JC Hood who cleverly developed the technique to evade rugby practice and cross country training. Apparently a future cameo appearance from the big man is planned.
Having seen Stoner limp off in dramatic fashion, he returned to the play 3 minutes later to replace Spike. What had looked like a serious injury was pure Hoody Ankle in motion. Within seconds of Stoner’s return Ames let rip with a 20 yard PILE-DRIVER.
NLFC quickly fell apart allowing Webb the Cottager to nail a SCORCHER past the keeper. Ames then equalled the club record of 5 goals in a game with a BOBBY-DAZZLER of a nutmeg. 6-2 and the Lepers were flying. Having seen CHA blast 14 goals past Kenny’s Reds in the early kick off, Heppers knew more goals were required.
With only a few minutes remaining on the clock, the Cottager placed an INSERTER into the gaping hole before him. Some felt he had chickened out last week but this goal proved Webb had in fact been training for this type of inserted opportunity. With his 2nd goal all was forgiven and the ‘Cottaging’ nickname has been withdrawn. Hotshot Webb was back!!!
Post match celebrations were taken down to The Gunner with one prestigious award being handed out - Man of the Match: Ames. This award has been recently renamed ‘MOTM Colon’ by the player formally known as The Cottager! The HLFC Plc Employee of the Month title which was awarded to Phil Hoskins has also been revoked. He will receive the less prestigious award of employee of the week for his contributions with a new team logo – this is due to the fact that he failed to turn up and support his team mates this week. He would have been nicknamed The Cottager but this would obviously get too confusing! Phil – talk is cheap, where’s the scrolling icons on the website??? And how come when I Google (or Yahoo if you’re Spike!) ‘Heppers Lepers’ the website doesn’t come up???? Show me the money.
The banter at the Gunner continued late into the night with Sheeno explaining that his poor performance was due to being out late the night before. Initially this appeared to be a valid excuse until it was discovered that he had been serving Cherry Beer and not drinking. Heppers Lepers would like to state that they do not condone any type of fruit flavoured beers. Sheeno also explained that he was almost injured when a cork hit him in the face. Corked beer?!?!?! Whatever next. This embarrassing story certainly left Sheen with egg on his face!
The game against North London FC was another success for the mighty Lepers. And even though the North London side were rubbish much like another local North London team, the win keeps the Lepers in 2nd position with the title race not over yet. This week’s sober Heppers Lepers were not the same team without Drunk Drake who is currently off eating yellow snow and drinking for success. With Jerzak still injured and Phil gone AWOL, the Lepers depleted squad marches on. Some say the injuries are a sign of ageing, but this team looks like it has a good few years left.