Oy veh! The footballing juggernaught that are the Hepperslepers rolled into powerleague once again this Thursday past for another master class in footballery. There to videotape the match was a representative from the Israeli football federation, (possibly Tal Ben Haim) looking to pick up some tips for defeating the dirty communist scum this weekend from globally acknowledged tactical genius Jerzak. After vehemently denying any connections to Spurs, the Lepers allowed the scouting to go ahead unmolested.

 

The representative may well have taken note on the 5 minute mark when Jerzak completely bamboozled the GTwho defence by a blatant vocal denouncement of the basic rules of football. With a lofty back pass heading harmlessly back towards the goalkeeper, Jerzak screamed maniacally that he wasn’t allowed to touch it. At all. Sufficiently confused and intimidated, the keeper let the ball drift past him into the open net. Schmekena! Lesson number one, never underestimate the stupidity of your opponent. 1-0 to the Lepers.

A few minutes later the Lepers won a free-kick deep in the opposition half. With a swift lay-back from HoF Harvey, Goal machine Drake, who will certainly not be replacing Berbatov at Spurs, drilled into the opposition net with the GT2 defence nowhere to be seen. Drake quickly added two more to complete his second successive Leper hat-trick in double quick time before Harvey gracefully curled one into the far corner from distance (harder than it sounds in a five-a-side goal) to make it 5-0 at the halfway mark.

After a brief halftime chat covering Jewish social attitudes toward Jewish lepers in Medieval Western Europe and the mutual persecution of Jews and Lepers by the Nazis, the Seagullers agreed to showcase some more of their unique brand of free-flowing attacking football and raw aggression rather than shut up shop and save the clean-sheet as Keeper Sheen repeatedly insisted. Anything to help their country!

Step forward the Northern Wonder and jinking genius of jovial Jan Cruyff-esque jinking, Matt Ames. Despite taking a right shoeing for his showboating antics (and rightly so) Ames was able to dance majestically through the opposition 'defence' before firing into the top corner while virtually falling over. Despite scoring, Ames wasn't happy and went on to demand an additional free-kick from the unamused ref who wasn't impressed by this display of chutzpah. Drake then offered some further advice for the watching scout, if you keep hitting it hard enough straight at the keeper, he will eventually start to get scared and dive out the way everytime you approach the goal. Drake was thus able to add the Lepers 7th 8th and all important 9th (Yes!!) and also wrap up his double hat-trick, making it three hat-tricks in quick succession. Mazel Tov. Drake will hope Paul Robinson is just as generous on the training ground should he ever choose to succumb to Juande Ramos's courting and make the move to White Hart Lane.

Speaking of Paul Robinson, Sheen decided he'd had enough of doing nothing and introduced his own brand of Bear magic by inexplicably flicking a head-height (Free-kick!) shot over his shoulder before twisting dramatically to bear-paw the ball off the line. Later Sheen would refer to this save as 'panther-like' and in some ways he did resemble a large cat with no fingers attempting to catch a leather ball. Shmoe.

 

Demonstrating another dimension to their play for the itinerant Israeli investigator, Sheen released a serious of booming side-wall long throws for the unusually goal-shy Fjortoft who tested the side-netting on a number of occasions before blaming Drake for 'running in his channels'. Liking what he saw, the scout made a note…'play match in cage.'

There was just enough time for some further Ames antics as he danced up field attracting all four of the opposition defence towards him in the hope of injuring his suspect old-man knees, before a subtle back-heeled pass found Harby isolated on the edge of the area. Taking his time, Harby waited for the opening before slotting past the bemused keeper who interestingly attempted to distract the Rhino by making himself smaller. Such obvious mind-games were wasted on Harby whose mental processes are beneath such complexities. Schmuck!

That made it double figures for the Lepers, but realising the ignomy a 10-0 win would bring, with its connotations of forfeiture, Harby managed to dig out a left footed punt in the dying seconds to pick out Ames, goal-hanging up front, to finish for the teams 11th and his second. Face well and truly saved.

As the full-time whistle blew, the Lepers joy was unconstrained until it slowly dawned on them later in the pub that by providing Israel with a mere smidgen of their bountiful footballing knowledge they may well have contributed to saving Steve McClarens job. Oy Gevalt!