HEPPERS LEPERS 5 v 2 MANCHESTER UNITED

An astonishing victory was claimed by the Lepers at their spiritual home, Worship Lane on the 28th day of the month of February 2008 AD. The bunch of part-time, 1 game a week “no hopers” tore shreds through their full-time, professional counterparts who are still fighting for trophies on 3 fronts.

Signs weren’t promising for the biggest club in the world early on as they only turned up with 3 outfield players. But surely the class of Ronaldo up front, Psycho Rooney pulling the strings in midfield, solid and dependable Vidic at the back and the unbeatable Van Der Sar between the sticks would be far too much for the part-time “fools” to handle. Remember, these guys train or play every day of the week and would surely be too strong for the Lepers. Especially bearing in mind the Lepers were down to their bare bones themselves with only 4.5 players available with Ames battling flu counting as the 0.5.

Poor etiquette was displayed from the outset as Man Utd tried to poach a fellow Power League div 1 player underneath the referee’s nose to get them up to the standard 5 man team. Worryingly this tactic would have succeeded as the dopy ref seemed unconcerned by the swoop. But a quick witted Bear quickly pointed out the illegal approach made by Man U and the dormant ref finally woke up. As the Lepers laid down the law, one sensed a re-emergence of the “sulk effect” (see earlier match reports) from the opposition that has been so prominent and played such a crucial role in the Lepers rise up to the top of the Power League hierarchy. With their tails lodged firmly between their legs Man Utd reluctantly kicked off the game looking in the mood for a scrap. This was of course playing right into the Lepers hands.

Early doors the Lepers made the extra man count running rings around their opponents. You really wouldn’t have known which was the professional outfit and which were the pub team, had you just turned up as a spectator. The Lepers peppered Man Utd’s goal from long, short and medium range but the big nosed Dutch clown was equal to everything thrown at him. But his fine performance in goal was not matched by fine sporting behaviour. The Dutch lump continually clung on to the ball in an attempt to wind down the clock until their illusive fifth man turned up. Their illusive fifth player, AWOL Brown finally turned up 5 mins from the break but not before the Lepers had stunned the current English champions with 2 goals in as many first half minutes.

 

First, Ames finally ended Utd’s early defiance with a long drive in off the upright and this was quickly followed by a neat close range finish from Fippsy Fjortoft after a super passing move involving the whole team. Was the greatest footballing shock of all time now on the cards? There was now a real swagger about the Lepers play as if it was indeed them who played every single day of the week and not Utd. With Brown entering the field of play just before half-time it was now a level playing field; 5 on 5. The Lepers were still taunting their opposition though and this was clearly having an adverse impact on psycho Rooney’s temperament. Foul after foul was being committed by the burger munching bone head and the snoozing ref was doing little about it.

 

It was under those circumstances that the part timers got pegged back to 2v2 by half time. First, Ames clumsily deflected a tame Rooney strike past the Bear to pick up his 3rd own goal of his PL career. Now just 1 behind Spike in the OG race. It was then Rooney himself who grabbed the equaliser after seizing on uncertainty in the Lepers defence to drill past the Bear. Surely now normality was being restored with the superior professionals starting to outclass the inferior Lepers. Half time couldn’t come soon enough for the Lepers as they re-grouped and re-set their tactics in a bid to overcome the mighty red devils.

The second half continued in a similar vain with Rooney charging around like an uneducated simpleton taking a cheap swipe at anything that came within striking distance, ball or player. Foul after foul was being committed on the now bruised Lepers limbs but the Lepers have never been bullied out of a PL contest and they weren’t about to be on this occasion either. With gobby Rooney contesting the referee’s decision for the umpteenth time the Lepers spotted their chance to re-take the lead. A quick free-kick played in fippsy Fjortoft through on goal with each of Man Utd’s players whinging at the ref. Jan, aware of the situation, steadied himself with a solid first touch before sliding the ball perfectly with his left foot into the bottom right hand corner past the helpless Van Der Sar. The Man Utd players were less than impressed and as a result of further quarrelling with the ref, Vidic was given his marching orders. Back to 5 on 4 and the giant killing was back on.

 

Good hold up play from Drake just moments later followed by a clever through ball and you guessed it Fjortoft was in the right place at the right time……again, to complete a sublime hat-trick. 4v2. Who needs poncy, over-rated Premiership players when the lepers have a hard working English League goal scoring journeyman to rely upon. Man Utd were now staring the greatest football upset, since Sutton Utd beat Coventry City, straight in the face. A few more fouls from Rooney later and the Lepers were suddenly 5v2 up. Sublime finishing from the Norwegian once again as Aage grabbed his fourth of the game.

 

Utd were now finished and in an outrageous bid to out gob the Bear, Van Der Sar began hurling abuse towards the Lepers. This was met with a petulant middle fingers raised in the air assault simultaneously from the Bear and Ames totalling 4 middle fingers raised at Van Der Sar. That seemed to shut Van Der Sar up for good and ensured that Bear remains the mouthiest goalkeeper in English professional and non-professional footballing circles. As the final whistle was blown the Man Utd players refused to shake hands with the Lepers. Instead more petulance from the so-called professionals as Brown walked off the pitch shouting at the top of his squeaky voice that the Lepers “only play 1 game a week”suggesting they are a tin pot outfit but Brown soon realised that his brainless comment only served to embarrass the so-called pro’s still further.



THE END