Heppers Lepers 5 – 6 Sparta Lebowski
Drake 5
Lepers Behaving Badly
Ahead of Thursday evening, Heppers Lepers just held the edge in recent meetings between these two Division 1 new boys. Back in Division 3, the first Sparta v Lepers game ended a stalemate; however Sparta clinched the return tie in a stormy affair which killed off any hope of a third league title for the Lepers. The apparent explosion that had taken place between these two teams prompted the Powerleague authorities to take drastic measures enforcing a peculiar rule stating that all future Lepers v Sparta games must be played within an inflatable Bouncy Castle to protect all concerned.
Harvey & Sheen buy Drake a pint for each of his goals and have to watch him drink
This odd decision seemed totally justified come the third meeting with certain players obviously looking to live up to their ‘explosive’ reputations. In the midst of a very tight game the Lepers were gifted an advantage when Sparta’s fiery front man lost his head and lashed out at a Leper earning himself a straight red. With 5 men against 4, Sparta were promptly smashed 8 – 3.
The fourth meeting saw the Lepers win a record 13th game on the ‘bounce’ with a comfortable 7 – 2 victory on the good old Bouncy Castle which cemented the Division 2 title.
Statto - in the limelight again
So it was no surprise that last night’s game was once again to be played on the beloved Bouncy Castle. But disaster struck when the Lepers turned up and saw that the self-appointed king of controversy, Statto would be presiding over affairs. And, Avram Jerzak only suffered further managerial headaches when he lost the backbone
of his team. Nobody was quite sure what had happened to Sheen and Harvey but quite clearly these two Lepers had been ‘behaving badly’. With their talismanic goalkeeper absconding to Lanzagrotty in a flowery shirt, and Harvey turning up for the first time in 3 weeks looking like he’d lost about 3 stone the Lepers were in trouble. Gone were the consistent days of Division 2 with a solid squad of 7 Lepers turning up every week.
"I hear Jerzak went in goal"
However the Lepers fears of suffering a spanking seemed laughable as they motored to a 2-0 lead within the opening 5 minutes. Two smartly taken goals on the turn by Drake appeared to give the Lepers some breathing space. Sparta’s shouts to “stop him turning” were as futile as telling someone to stop the earth from turning. That’s not to say that Drake spins at a speed of 1040 miles/hr, it’s just that he’s good at turning.
However Sparta and the Perennial Penfolds were quickly back in it following an unstoppable drive into the corner of the goal, and then a perfectly stoppable shot which Jerzak somehow managed to usher into the goal. And things only got worse for the Lepers when featherweight Harvey conceded a penalty for stepping inside the box. This looked to have been caused by a disgraceful shove in his back as he stepped across the edge of the D, but replays later proved it was caused by a light breeze blowing across the pitch.
Dare you unleash Sheen's smelly gloves?
Both teams each grabbed another goal making it 4 – 3 to Sparta at half time. The second half was a great improvement on the first and the Lepers levelled the scoreline twice through goals by Drake. New boy ‘Chesney’ Matt, and 3D Fjortoft were holding things together in the middle and the Lepers seemed set for a late victory. A sweetly struck Spike strike seemed destined to win it but went agonisingly wide and got stuck under the bouncy castle with Ames and Drake stood waiting for the rebound.
Fjortoft needs a beer....
But tragedy struck with moments to go, as the Sparta ringer Gerrard capped off a fine performance with another goal. This prompted an all-out gung-ho attack by the all Lepers except Drake who chose to play ‘upside down’ as the sole defender. But somehow Sparta kept them at bay to win the game 6 – 5.
The Brabantia Bin Brigade descended on the Gunner to chew over the fat and talk about postponing retirement for one more season. And with the fickle Master Gunner landlord promising to remove the team photo from behind the bar unless the Lepers win next week, they may need to keep on playing to avoid the obscurity of becoming just another bunch of unknown nearly-men.
The Leper legacy
This morning's headlines:
Daily Mirror: Loser Lepers lacking life
The Sun: Heppers Who?
Daily Mail: Afghan Drake in shock visa fraud scandal
The Times: Avram Jerzak given dreaded ‘vote of confidence’ by Chairman JC Hood
OK Magazine: Bulimia exclusive - size zero Harvey setting bad example to kids
Yorkshire Post: Ames pays £17 for 5 pints down South.