Heppers Lepers were away from home for their 6th game of the season against Kenny’s Reds, a team standing bottom of the league on 0 points. Prematch spirits were high with both Drake and Stoneo declared fit enough to play. Drake, almost unrecognisable with his new straight nose had as usual consumed several pints and was raring to go. And Stoneo’s 21” neck had healed following an unfortunate injury caused by using his head to assist a 180kg bench press. The team’s self-assurance was epitomised by resident gambler Jon Harvey who was looking to place a bet on a 12-0 win. Previous reprimands by team manager Sheen for placing bets on games seemed to have had little effect.
Upon arriving at the Caaaamdown Stadium the Heppers were unusually greeted by an angry mob. Sheeno’s usually well-researched dossier on his opponents had missed the fact that Kenny’s Reds are sponsored by the Hepatitis Official Membership group, HOM. It seemed that the team name ‘Heppers Lepers’ had incensed HOM who had turned out en masse to vent their anger. Matt Ames was unfortunately caught by the group as the team departed the coach and was forced to explain the name. He was clearly clutching at straws as he made an attempt, “it’s something to do with 2 lads from Sheeno’s school. I think one was called Phill Hepworth or something and the other guy had some skin condition so all the lads obviously called him a leper.” This response did little to pacify the leader of the HOMs, Peter Mitchell who explained, “One reason some prefer to not be called ‘heppers’ but ‘Heppos’ because ‘heppers’ is too close to ‘lepers’, which, as it has been pointed out, is how many of the uneducated masses tend to treat us.”
Amesy’s interrogation caused him to be late for the pre-match warm up much to the annoyance of several members of the team. The prematch diet of Scotch Eggs and a few surplus bottles of beer from Webb’s magic coat were passed around the changing room to raise spirits. Typically superstitious of footballers, several of the Heppers Lepers team now believe that the number of goals they score each week is directly proportional to the number of beers consumed before kick off! As the teams entered the arena, Heppers Lepers gathered in front of their goal for a team photo to honour their new sponsorship deal with local pub giant, The Master Gunner.
The game started slowly with Kenny’s Reds still learning how to keep possession for more than 3 touches. Within the first minute Drake had capitalised on some sloppy defending by the Reds and forced the ball into the net. Replays would later show that Drake had not had a single touch of the ball before the 1-0 scoreline was reached, but with the Dubious Goals panel allegedly in Drake’s back pocket the goal will no doubt go down to the straight-nosed magician.
For the next few minutes the Lepers were under the cosh as the Reds pushed forward. The game was reminiscent of an Under 8s schoolboy game as a disorganised rabble, consisting of every outfield player, chased the ball. Sheeno ‘s management skills seemed uncertain following his controversial decision to place Ames on the bench due to his late appearance. However, those who doubted his ability to manage a team certainly couldn’t doubt his ability to keep goal as he pulled off an acrobatic one-handed save to his right from Gary Scouse’s shot on the edge of the box.
The action switched ends and following a missed chance by Webb from close range, Drake followed up a shot by Harvey and buried the ball in the net. The score was quickly taken to 3-0 as Drake completed his hatrick with a smart left-footed toe poke from 15 yards. Netminder Sheeno then produced one of his trademark ‘Hail Mary’s’ as he lauched the ball forward. It was picked up by Wide-receiver Spike who showed awesome agility in turning 180 degrees to rush the goal. He power-bombed the ball into the top corner for a strike which should go down as Goalshot of the Month.
At 4-0 the Lepers appeared to be on easy-street when a calamity occurred on the edge of the ‘D’. A total lack of formation found Drake, Spike and Harvey competing for the same ball. Drake sized up the angles and clipped a sweet strike into the face of Spike forcing the ball to loop backwards past Sheen into the net. Drake had claimed pre-match that he would complete a textbook hatrick much to the bemusement of the team. With headers outlawed from the game this seemed an impossible achievement. However, as he turned to gloat in Sheen’s face, one had to admire his unprejudiced approach towards putting the ball into either net.
Play quickly switched to the opposite end with the sensible members of the team disappointed at losing a possible clean sheet. Harvey planted a strike onto the base of the post followed by Spike driving a fierce shot just wide. The ball rebounded off the backboards leaving Drake to screw his shot wide of the empty net. The Reds quickly counter-attacked with Barry Scouse beating Harvey to drive the ball past Sheen, 4 – 2. With a few minutes remaining in the half a double substitution was called – Webb and Spike left the field to be replaced by Stoneo and Ames.
The second half commenced with Kenny’s Reds sensing the possibility of a first point of the season. They defended tight and pressed forward at every opportunity. The 2nd half deadline was eventually broken by some cool finishing by Ames as he clipped the ball over the advancing goalkeeper. The goal was quickly followed by a Mark Stoner Powerplay with 2 good strikes being saved before he clattered Shaggy Scouse. It looked a fairly cynical foul and Stoneo should probably have been booked, however Sheeno wasn’t convinced as he shouted, “JESUS, MAN, WHAT A GIRL!”
Jon Harvey again struck the post before Drake planted a strike into the bottom corner for his 4th ‘goal’ at the correct end. Harvey then had a decent chance saved much to the disappointment of his fans. Ever-present Harvey has a reputation for scoring in every game but his record seemed to be slipping against Kenny’s Reds.
Some confusion was caused when a streaker then entered the field of play. Sporting nothing but a t-shirt with the slogan “Hepatitis is the Latin word for liver inflammation” she tried to disrupt the play. Fortunately she was quickly ejected. The Reds never keeled over and they regained some sort of hope with a pile-driver from the halfway line. Sheeno caught daydreaming about bottles of beer on a wall never saw it coming. The scores stood at 6-3.
With the substitues barracking to rejoin the field, Stoneo realised that his opportunity to score his first ever senior goal would have to be postponed for another week. He quickly made amends by producing tackle of the game leaving a sorry Scouser shaking on the floor. He left the field to rapturous applause – the fans have stayed loyal to Stoner and are desperate for him to get that goal. Also to leave the field was the plucky Jon Harvey with a fairly severe blood-bin injury to his hand.
Ames grabbed another goal to prove that he should be starting every week, before El Gringo, Will Webb added another to his ever-increasing tally. With the scores set at 8 – 3, there was time for one more piece of high jinx at the back. With Spike holding the ball on the edge of the ‘D’ with his back to goal he ignored Sheeno’s shouts for the back pass and attempted a classic Cruyff turn. He was immediately disposed by Shaggy Scouse who planted the ball past an exasperated Sheeno to conclude the game at 8 – 4.
Jon Harvey admitted after the game that it had been a disorganised outing by the Lepers. He commended the Reds’ keeper for a fine display but looked disappointed for his lack of goals. “We made hard work of that. This was not vintage Lepers”. One wondered whether they were missing Jerzak to guard the ‘D’ – his broken bone in his right foot seems to be taking an eternity to heal. The team doctor expects him to be sidelined for another 2 weeks but his enthusiasm to headbutt the whole Christine Hamilton team in 13 days is well known.
A buoyant Shaggy Scouse confirmed that they had expected more from the Division 6 Champions, “This was certainly not the walkover we expected. We’re heading in the right direction” (presumably where the Lepers have come from!) Gary Scouse modestly added, “I scored a great goal from the halfway line. A couple of their goals were pretty dubious too so we’re claiming that as a 6 – 4 loss.” It was difficult to understand his point or his enthusiasm but with the distinctive smell of a beefy eggo hanging in the air, possibly caused by the Scotch Eggs; both teams made their excuses and departed.
The Lepers headed down The Master Gunner for a post-match dissection of play. Sheeno was disappointed with his decision to shuffle his pack, “I shouldn’t have played Harvey at the back. He does enough defending normally.” One wondered whether it was his new position or his decision to leave the bike at home which caused the goal drought. It certainly wasn’t his appetite for a few pre-match beverages!
Webb suggested a weekend 4 a-side training session to work on tactics and also his left foot. The idea was initially dismissed before club Cowboy stoner suggested playing in Stetsons and boots with spurs. Suddenly there was potential for a bit of a kick-around followed by some serious drinking in fancy dress. Saturday nights may never be the same again.
p.s. the Dubious Goals Panel have since awarded the own goal to Spike and the 1st goal of the game to Drake (what a surprise!)