The 'shock' news that England will not be attending next summers bonanza jamboree of football in Austrian Switzerland (was I really the only one that saw it coming 18 months ago) has resulted in a general outpouring of scorn and indignation on just about everything connected with Wednesday nights debacle. Even Peter Crouch, and that is just wholly out of line and undeserved. Are we finally on the verge of a footballing revolution at the grass-roots level? Heads will roll but will the Heads of your favourite Lepers roll in to replace them?

After an Emergency General Meeting on Thursday lunch time Manager Jerzak was quick to rule himself out of the running for the top job, much to the relief of Lepers everywhere, after Brian 'cockface' Barwick refused to bow to his possibly ludicrous demands. This website has since managed to obtain a set of said ludicrous demands, reproduced below:

1. Installation of Sheen as England No. 1 (reconsideration of retirement pending).
Barwick is said to have been 'unsure' about the image Sheen would portray at a national level.

2. Setting up of the Ginger Academy to be headed by Paul Scholes and Steve Sidwell to discover and train the best ginger talent in the country in the hope of one day fielding and all ginger England XI.

3. List of possible friendly fixtures: Poland (H), Poland (A), Slovakia (A), Yorkshire (H), Mauritius (A).

4. Repatriation of Mike Aage FjortofT.

5. First England squad:

                                  Sheen

M. Richards    Jerzak (c)          Harby         P.Parker

Cornwall         Harvey              Ames          FjortofT

                      Drake              Crouch

Subs: Scholes, Sidwell, Webb, Stoner, Hoskins, G.Barry, J. Terry,

6. Complete overhaul of FA and replacement with Powerleague administration.
7. All children to play 'cage' football until the age of 18. Statto to be named as head of Youth Cage Football development.

Barwick is said to have stormed out of the meeting with Jerzak, point 6 was thought to be the main sticking point. Point 7 however, is maybe not such a bad suggestion. Having seen the cage make a mockery of former England International Paul Parker and Ex-International 'John' last night, maybe the FA should rethink this suggestion. And finally we're on to last nights match:

 

Having already secured a 10-0 victory last night through forfeiture, the Lepers invited some chums along for the second 'Lepers v Lepos' showcase. With some players having been in training for the 8.45 KO since early afternoon, it was certain to prove entertaining. With Ames pulling out the snub respectably early for him, the Lepers would be down to 4, but no fear, Statto is here! Manfully stepping into the breach, the ref took the gloves with no hint of fear over taking to the pitch against the team who have been a thorn in his refereerable side since day one. So, the teams:

 

Lepers: Jerzak, HoF Harvey, FjortofT, 'Jon', Statto

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lepos: Bear, Rhino, Cornwall, Drake, Parker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without the stabilising force of Harvey in their midst, the Lepos started with a complete lack of shape, with the whole team lining up to the right for the kick off and it was no surprise that they were quickly two down. FjortofT driving to fierce shots which both took wicked deflections to open up with two og's. The Lepos gradually clawed their way back into the fixture, but the Spectacled one was proving difficult to beat in the sticks, despite being peppered with shots and the Lepers defence of Jerzak, Harvey and 'Johann' were proving difficult to break down. Some good work down the right channel saw Cornwall play a wall pass to find Harby free on the edge of the box and finally the Lepos were on the scoresheet.

Having gained a foothold in the game, the Lepos soon succumbed once again, the constant stream of filth coming from their drunken goalkeeper demoralising the defence of Parker and Harby to the point of inertia and allowing Harvey to nip in to make it 3-1, quickly followed by another og as FjortofTs shot was deflected of Sheens legs for the forth. Cornwall soon grabbed a second Lepos strike, drilling in of the hapless Jerzaks (taking the gloves and allowing Statto to take the pitch) legs from an acute angle.

With the second half underway, Lepos soon made it 4-3, a glorious dipping shot past 'Juan' showing why he amassed 19 caps for England. Harvey soon restored the Lepers two goal cushion after dancing past every single player on the pitch, nut-megging Drake in the process before back-heeling past Sheen (or something like that). At some point the Lepos made it up to the heady heights of 5-4 as someone scored. Was that someone Drake? We may never really know the truth as by now no-one remembers, and it can only be speculated that Drakes 27th shot of the evening finally found its target.

The final pivotal moment of the match came as The Bear was substituted for the Rhino in the Lepos goal. With the Brown Bear weighing a maximum 700 kg and the record size for an Indian Rhino being 3500 kg, surely the rhino would prove a greater obstacle to the Lepers. At first it seemed this would be true as he pulled off a dramatic low save to his right. Meanwhile the Bear was proving to be equally useful out on the pitch, a nimble Cruyff turn bringing a cynical hack from FjortofT as he wept tears of admiration. The Rhinos bulk could do nothing to stop the next two goals though as FjortofT broke free of the Lepos 'defence' twice before ricocheting a shot in off the hapless goal-keeper/defender/innocent bystander for the 4th and 5th ogs of the night.

At 7-4 the Lepos/Lepers must be disappointed with the combined total of 11 goals conceded, but it’s a friendly after all and doesn’t really count! However, lessons learnt before the big Lebowski crunch match next week must surely be that there is in fact a limit to how much a Leper should drink before the game.

Peace Out.