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 Marvin Thompson on the phone from the cat afterlife: Why am I spokesperson for the NUS on avian flu given that I am a) a cat and b) a dead cat? ‘ Yo pretty ladies a round the world, got a Leper thing to show you so tell all the boys and girls.’ As Cameo once memorably nearly put it. And indeed the Lepers did have a thing or two to show Div 2 newbies Word Up (do you see what I did there) this Thursday. The first thing the Lepers had to show the boys and girls of Word Up was a demonstration in punctuality, or more correctly the consequences of its poor implementation. With even generally-befuddled-by-new-things Matt Ames managing to get to grips with TFL for long enough to make the allotted ‘The Who’-inspired 5.15 kick-off (look it up, people), Word Ups final arrival at  5.20ish was an utter disgrace. Showing no sympathy, the Lepers managed to notch up a two-goal lead against a non-existent opposition within the first 5 minutes as player-as-yet-undetermined grabbed a brace. Tonights opponents:
Putting their hands in the air like they dont care
Having failed to tell their brothers, their sisters and their mama too, about the early kick-off, the Lepers were left playing to an eerily empty powerleague stadium. The Lepers are seasoned pro’s however and the lack of atmosphere didn’t effect their performance against no one as they showed and efficient and ruthless nature in their opening warm up sequence, Sheen being tested with some particularly rasping shots. Finally Word Up decided to grace powerleague with their presence, not that it particularly mattered as the Lepers continued to play as if their were in fact no opponents, right down to the marking of thin air as Word Up did indeed glide by the Lepers as they stopped to look and stare on a number of occasions, causing some hairy moments for Sheen, although no shots actually troubled the keeper. The Lepers slowly reasserted their utter superiority over Word Up as Ames produced a remarkable piece of psychological tomfoolery by ‘slipping’ in his own half and seemingly releasing the opposition forward. However as Sheen gathered the tame shot, the Lepers quickly countered the out of position Word Uppers as a sweeping move concluded when Harvey found Drake to strike home for 3-0. Drake went on to complete his hat-trick in double quick time, firing in his second and then nutmegging the keeper for his third before retiring to the bench, clearly suffering from exhaustion. With his retirement surely pending, Drake will be looking for a nice quiet last season in division 1 which hopefully wont be disturbed by any maverick, fop-haired, new recruits. Now into their fifth powerleague season, the Lepers are beginning to feel the strain and to some extent resemble the immediate post-keegan Newcastle with Ames  standing in for Barnes, FjortofT as Peter Beardsley, Drake the new Ian Rush and Jerzak clearly Darren  Peacock. But though some players legs may have gone, Marathon-Man-Hall-of-Famer-Harvey continued to push the Lepers forward with his boundless energy. How such fitness is possible on a diet of orange juice is clearly a mystery to the likes of Sheen. Danny Drake/Glover: Is clealy getting too old for this shit. Harvey: Nazi Hunter With little else to do, Sheen contributed his usual verbal assault on his own players and when he heard the call, Jerzak did indeed get it underway, ‘p’unting home the Lepers 6th. Shortly afterwards Harby once again found himself disorientated and out of position in the wrong half but recovered sufficiently to slot home the Lepers 7th of the evening with his umpteenth shot, surely making him a contender for Phillipe Albert of the team. Sub and oxygen please. Meanwhile Ames had been struggling manfully with his cripples knees and double-chin, dealing with the fact he could not run properly by shooting every time he received possession, including one audacious effort from behind his own D. His persistence finally paid off as he rattled home number 8 of the night with a right foot pile-driver from half way. Word indeed Up.
Now all you sucker 5-a-side players who think your fly, theres got to be a reason and we know the reason why the Lepers are awesome. And the reason is clearly Jerzaks inspirational management and half-time team talks. With the team cruising at 8-0, Jerzak was mindful of his ageing playing staff and advised a cautious second half with preservation of the clean sheet key. And with the Lepers unique ‘fluid’ approach to defending, this was never likely to be an issue. The introduction of 100% FjortofTs fresh legs had added little impetus to proceedings as he searched to add to his impressive goal tally. Drifting repeatedly into danger areas FjortofT did his dance and did his dance quick but despite baffling defenders everywhere with his footwork, he was unlucky to hit the side netting on a number of occasions. The Word Up defence tried to act real cool, but they have to realise they are acting like fools if they are to avoid another pounding next week. Removing his slippers for the final few minutes of the game, Drake reappeared to show that he has no time for psychological romance by bagging his 4th and the Lepers 9th of the night. Realising time was short, the Lepers resisted the urge to drive for a 10th, understanding the negative connotations of a 10-0 scoreline, despite its decimalistic beauty, and showboated with an array of back-heals and cart-wheels. Although I may have imagined the latter, it’s the encroaching senility yer know. Causing much befuddlement, Sheen was awarded the man-of-the-match award under powerleagues new initiative to increase their turnover by getting him into the bar. In retrospect however, the Lepers realised Sheen did in fact have a perfect game, owing to  the fact his hard-working defence ensured he had nothing to do.
By the way, I apologise if you have no knowledge of the Cameo classic Word Up as todays match report may have made less sense than usual.
Ferguson: I'm retiring. What? We still haven't won powerleague? 4 more years it is then. |
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