Today’s match report is 100% percent genuine courtesy of the good old Irish Times

Last T’ursday our beloved Apco boys in London took part in the first football match between us and the English dogs since their football hooligans, led by members of Combat 18 (or possibly just England fans distraught at the sight of Warren Barton) rioted at Lansdowne Road. That disgraceful match was abandoned while Ireland were 1-0 up. There were over 70 injuries, most of them were English, t’ank God! The English football fans were escorted out of Dublin by members of the Irish Army.

 

The Apco boys were represented by Paddy, Mick, Shaun, Dermott and Donal and they lined up against the disgusting English team Heppers Lepers, a side hell-bent on following their forefathers by colonising Powerleague. With kick off fast approaching the Apco lads were kissing their lucky Blarney Stones and hoping that 100% Fjortoft wouldn’t make it and their prayers were answered, probably by the Pope himself.

From kick off Heppers Lepers played the game with the typical arrogance of an Englishman and so our brave Apco lads got stuck in as if they were playing a game of hurling at Croke Park. Fortunately for our boys, Statto was refereeing. His real name is of course Angus Loughran which sounds like a good honest Gaelic name which would explain why he’d be after letting our lads get stuck in (the end of that sentence might sound confusing and complicated if read in an English accent!) Unfortunately Hepper Lepers got the first 2 goals of the game, scored by striker Spike who looked as out of place leading the line as a potato in a famine!

This really enraged our boys and they let rip with a series of vicous, glorious challenges. Most of these were spotted by the referee but his whistle rarely met his Gay-licking lips. It was fast turning into Bloody Thursday and at last our boys got a goal back. Big Paddy Bonner launched one over-arm to Mick who threw a Leper off with a sharp elbow before slide-tackling the ball over the stranded keeper. A perfectly legal goal!

This really wound up the Lepers' keeper who is called the Bear. To those readers in Ireland unfamiliar with a bear, it’s like a big hairy dog. He was ranting and raving and doing a roight skiberee of a dance back there in the nets and was after getting sent aaf if he didn’t calm down. At one point he even called our Apco lads the worst team ‘e'd ever seen which wasn’t too friendly.

Their frustration got worse too when former-MVP Ames threw Dermot to the floor after an innocent punch to the back of his head. That Ames lad is without doubt the dirtiest player in Powerleague these days and good old Angus knows it. Another stern talking-to sorted him out! Anyway, the Lepers were after getting another one before the break when Spike shot wide and Jerzak hit the rebound back between Paddy’s legs. The goal was more lucky than a leperchaun.

The second half started as badly for our lads as being trapped in lift with Graham Norton and the Lepers were 4 – 1 up within minutes thanks to a goal by Vicious Ames or possibly Harvey. But with the spirit of Roy Keane our lads got back in it thanks to a smartly taken goal at least 2 yards inside the ‘D’ but ‘unseen’ by Angus.

 

The Lepers might have been able to finish the game off but Drake’s finishing was about as clinical as Father Ted’s brother. Although to be fair to him he was playing in defence in the Lepers new look 1 – 2 – 1 formation!! And so another goal soon came for Apco when Donal tried to smash a through-ball home but instead caught a little of the ball deflecting it over the giant hairy dog. And the 4th and final goal for Apco was a goal dedicated to Michael Collins as Shaun played a quick free-kick to Dermott who was totally unmarked and slammed it home. Have that you imperialistic, colonising English scum.

To rub salt into the wounds, the Master Gunner received a bomb threat call shortly after the final whistle causing them to close at 10pm leaving the Lepers stranded without a pint. Apparently Apco are claiming responsibility for it.