Oh Lepers, where did it all go wrong? Having only taken one point from a possible 6, talk of a crisis down Worship Lane is rife. After a quick analysis of what I remember of last weeks game, we will take a quick look at some of the drastic measures the Lepers could take to stop the slide and get Division 1 of to a good start:

The Lepers looked forward to their match with OC&C with great confidence, having gone undefeated all season and previously destroyed the same opposition 16-0 on the bouncy castle, this game would surely be a foregone conclusion. How wrong the Lepers were. Despite starting the game strongly, bringing some good saves from the OC&C keeper early doors, the Lepers were somehow behind after an OC&C player put the ball into the Lepers net resulting in the referee awarding them a goal and the score being recorded as OC&C 1 – 0 Lepers. Oh no. Just when was the last time the Lepers had been behind in a game? They sure as hell couldn't remember and reacted in utter confusion by all playing up front. This tactic would surely pay dividends as the Lepers battered the OC&C goal repeatedly, but the keeper somehow kept everything out as he did his best to wrest the 'best keeper in powerleague' tag which Sheen had given himself away from the Bear.

With the start of the second half Lepers finally drew level as Drake fired in a goal which Statto could find no reason to disallow, making it 1-1. Now OC&C would crack under the might of a Lepers onslaught, wouldn't they? No, they wouldn't. The Lepers continued to hammer the OC&C goal, but no winning goal was forthcoming and as the game drifted into the final moments, a vicious Drake shot ricocheted violently off the keeper and past everyone to fall at the feet of an isolated OC&C forward who made it 2-1. Disaster. With everyone now playing up front, OC&C grabbed a third in the dying seconds to put an undeserved gloss on the scoreline. With all the possession and an overwhelming number of shots on target, the Lepers were left feeling like Arsenal 2006/2007. If they are to succeed in Division 1, they must play more like Arsenal 2007/2008. That makes Drake Adebeyor, start working on the hair now.

How the Lepers can stop the rot: A meta-analysis of the recent slump in Leper form, incorporating a literature and match report review.
Spike Harby et al
Introduction

Reviewing the past seasons match report and associated media responses, it is clear that HeppersLepers suffered a catastrophic event approximately 2 weeks ago. This can be backed up by a simple mathematical analysis:

                         Average points            Average goals for             Average goals against
First 12 games             3                                8.75                                   0.67
Last 2 games               0.5                             1.5                                     2.5
% change                   -83                              -83                                    +273


That proves a drastic drop in form at a 0.05% significance level.

Hypotheseseses & Solutions

1. Through analysing the seasons match reports the first possible explanation for the Lepers slump in form is obvious: The absence of Hall of Fame Harvey. Having missed the last two games of the season, the Lepers loss of form must surely be attributable to Harvey's recent injury. Looking back in the records, it appears the last time Harvey was absent was during the Autumn season when he missed a 4-0 and 2-1 victory. Given that his last absence did not result in abject failure we must test the hypothesis further by extending Harveys injury and reviewing subsequent results.

2. Over confidence. A degree of smugness has pervaded the Lepers match reports this season, reflecting a growing arrogance and 'premier league' attitude amongst the Lepers, when in fact they are playing in Powerleague division 2. This over-confidence was punctured with the 2-2 draw against Diablo and has gone on to have disastrous repercussions. Solution: Team to spend half and hour in the Gunner prior to games telling each other how shit they are.

3. Managerial Ineptitude/Loss of confidence: The knives appear to be out for manager Jerzak. Can the Lepers really continue with a man in charge in whom the players have no confidence? Solution: Drake/Harvey/Ames/Harby/FjortofT/Sheen/Webb for manager?

4. FjortofT novelty worn off: The novelty of new signing FjortofT brought a rampant run of winning and goal scoring in his first season, but with his 100% record gone and the goals drying up, maybe its time for some new blood? Solution: Trade FjortofT for Webb

5. Poor refereeing: Statto is a cock, this we all know. Having taken a supreme dislike to the Lepers, a certain degree of the recent poor form/bad luck can be attributed to the spectacled fool with his hatred of Ames and Sheen. Solution: Kill Statto, or ban Ames from tackling.

6. Leaky defence: The Lepers haven’t been scoring much and have been conceding lots. In 5-a-side, everything stems from the back so the finger must be firmly directed at the Lepers centre-backs. If you do this you shall realise that your finger will actually be pointing up front as this is where they all are. Solution: Tether Harby to his own goal D.

7. Ames loss of form: Ames's silky skills and long range shooting have been oddly absent in the last two games and have been replaced by anger and aggression (more of it). Solution: Give Ames a kitten to pet.

8. Drake loss of form: 2 in 2 would by most be considered as a good return, but averaging 3 a game for the rest of the season, Drake will be disappointed by his goal tally in the last couple of weeks. Solution: Drake in defence.