Drunken Monkeys – these headlines write themselves!!
The Lepers approached week 10 of the Division 3 campaign with a very depleted squad. Hall-of-Fame-Harvey was AWOL for the second week on the trot; Hotshot Webb had announced his shock semi-retirement and moved to Kathmandu; Ames was away on an unapproved short-notice holiday; Hoskins totally disappeared off the radar; and the most surprising news was that Stoner would not be featuring. The ginger giant was expected back this week but in an insane effort to be more like his hero Arnold Schwarzenegger, just like in the movie ‘Junior’, an ultrasound test had recently shown he had fallen pregnant! Another 9 months on the sidelines should hopefully not quench his desire for a 1st Leper goal.
Once again, Man-of-the-Match Cornwall was called upon to supplement the hardcore band of 4 Lepers which consisted of Sheen, Jerzak, Drake & Spike. In addition to the 5 players, Manager Jerzak made his first signing of the season capturing the Norwegian striker Mike Aage Fjørtoft. Since moving Drake into a more defensive role the side was in desperate need of a new striker. Fjørtoft, who had spent several seasons in England during the 1990s was eager to reignite his career with the Heppers Lepers. He had joined Swindon Town in the summer of 1993 following their promotion to the Premiership. He was their top scorer during the 1993-94 season, but the team was relegated despite this. Fjørtoft continued to score frequently during 1994-95 and helped Swindon reach the League Cup semi finals, but their league form was disastrous once more and he transferred to Middlesbrough on transfer deadline day. His departure did nothing to help Swindon's league form and they were again relegated in the penultimate game of the season.
Meanwhile, Fjørtoft was a regular player for Middlesbrough as soon as he joined the club, and helped them finish the season as Division One champions. Due to a restructuring of the league, they were the only team to gain automatic promotion to the Premiership in 1995. He was a regular player throughout the 1995-96 campaign, and partnering the Brazilian Juninho they finished in a respectable 12th place. But the arrival of Italian striker Fabrizio Ravanelli pushing him down the pecking order for the 1996-97 season, and he was sold to Division One side Sheffield United soon afterwards. After the Blades lost to Crystal Palace in that season's playoff final, he joined newly promoted Barnsley to have another crack at the Premiership. But he was unable to prevent Barnsley's first - and only to date - season at this level ending in relegation and at the end of the 1997-98 season he left the club.
Fjørtoft's next stop came in Germany with Eintracht Frankfurt, where he spent three years before returning home to Norway with Stabæk and winding up with Lillestrøm in 2002 before retiring at the age of 36. The Lepers had brought him back!
The lads met down the MG pre-match due to yet another late kick off. With 5 of the last 10 Leper games having kicked off at either 5:15 or 9:20, conspiracy theorists believe the Powerleague administration is trying to force the Lepers out of the league.
Fortunately most of the team restrained themselves from indulging in alcoholic pursuits, however Cornwall turned up on the wrong side of wankered! Not wanting to drop a regular Leper for a newbie, Cornwall made the starting lineup despite falling over while pulling on his socks!
The Lepers struck early with a fine strike by Spike. But then disaster struck 2 minutes later when Cornwall locked horns with the least confrontational of all the refs in Powerleague and almost knocked the poor bloke out with his whisky breathe. Disgraced Cornwall was sent to the stands and replaced by Fjørtoft.
The Lepers battled on against a whinging opposition convinced that they were being cheated by a drunken opposition. Nobody seemed to understand why it would be a disadvantage to be sober against drunken opposition … but fortunately the remaining 5 Lepers were as sober as a judge who’d had only 1 or 2 beers.
With 2 minutes remaining in the half, Spike made a fairly innocuous foul on a Monkey player who retaliated with a knee to his back. The Monkey and a very shocked Rhino were both sin-binned. The Lepers played out the half with some neat passing.
The Lepers commenced the 2nd half with a renewed vigor. Drake was pushed forward into the central midfield Ballack position with Fjørtoft up top. Within seconds the new setup had reaped its rewards as a precision ball forward from the Bear found Drake’s feet and the canny German slammed it home. Before the Monkeys had had time to whinge Sheeno had pulled off the same trick setting Fjørtoft free. The Norwegian, recalling his glory days at Swindon, sent the ball crashing into the back of the net. At 3 – 0 the Monkeys realised it was game over against an ungenerous Lepers side who’d only conceded 14 goals all season. They took their moaning and complaining to new heights and introduced some quite disgraceful acts of off-the-ball assault. The Lepers maturely rode the storm being awarded free-kick after free-kick from the ref.
With a few minutes remaining the Lepers confirmed that although they may be a one-trick-pony, they are a damn good one-trick-pony as Sheeno launched another stingray forward to the feet of Spike who nailed home the 4th. The Lepers retreated to the MG to make final preparations for this Saturday’s oom-pa-pa-pa Oktoberfest drinking extravaganza.
Man of the Match once again went to Chris Cornwall for his extraordinary duct-tape shoes.