Chris Cornwall comes a cropper as club record crashes to our crooked-nosed King. The Heppers marched on victoriously last night in the absence of their fallen leader. A late night team-building session at The Rowans Tenpin Bowling Centre in Finsbury Park went devastatingly wrong last Saturday night leaving Sheeno with severe concussion. Reports suggest that he was so badly dazed and confused that he declined “one more pint” at the end of the night and went home – unprecedented!

Hatchet hardman Harvey who hurt the Heppers hero released this statement:

"It all started when we were doing a bit of bowling. I admit that we were having a couple of drinks, but never too many. Sheen and I were on the beers and Jerzy Dudek was on the red wines. I was nailing strike after strike and after a short time Sheen was starting to complain about an injured knee. Dudek’s rubbish bowling and Sheens constant complaining made me lose control. Under the influence of Jerzy I lost it and just swung a bowling ball at Sheen's head to shut him up. Sheen is now having neurosurgery in a private clinic in Slovakia and will return in 2 possibly 3 weeks. I hasten to add that we are still friends and that the team spirit has never been stronger."

Concussion is used to describe an injury to the brain following trauma. Doctors use the term concussion to describe an injury to the brain that results from an impact to the head. By definition, a concussion is not a life-threatening injury, but it can cause both short-term and long-term problems. In medical terms, a concussion might be described as a closed head injury or head trauma.
Concussions do not include injuries where there is bleeding under the skull or into the brain. Another type of brain injury is present if bleeding is visible on a CT scan (commonly called a CAT Scan) of the brain. A mild concussion may involve no loss of consciousness (being "dazed") or a very brief loss of consciousness (being "knocked out"). A severe concussion may involve prolonged loss of consciousness with a delayed return to “normal” (not really applicable in reference to Sheen!)

Fortunately for the Lepers, Jerzy Dudek had recovered from his foot injury and was available for selection – conspiracists wonder whether the concussion calamity was connected to Jerzy’s craving for a recall…

As Sheen sipped his Stella stein on the surreal Slovakian seashore the Lepers took to the field against Ye Old Wattle And Daub. The 7 o’clock kick off allowed Drake time to again experiment with his pre-match alcohol levels. Just the solitary pint was the correct measure as he smashed the previous club record of 5 goals leaving people to wonder just who is Demi?

Before blowing his whistle for kickoff, the referee noticed the absence of the Bear and exclaimed, “oh good, at least it will be a bit quieter today.” How naïve his prediction would prove to be!

The game commenced at a pathetically slow pace which suited the Old Boys. For a good 5 minutes all 8 outfield players Webbed around the pitch with no particular purpose. And then suddenly, what should have been a routine backpass by Ye Old Boys found their star man Ronald Kooman about a metre inside their own box. Jittery Jerzak gesticulated at the dubious adjudicator in vain as the whole Lepers side protested. What followed was reminiscent of the England v Holland World Cup qualifier of 1994 in Rotterdam - a match forever immortalised in an infamous documentary charting the woes of a turnip’s reign as England manager. And again yesterday, Kooman pressed forward and scored against the Lepers, not with a re-taken free-kick but with a low drive from 20 yards. Not even Dudek’s baggy tracksuit bottoms could stop the shot!

Fortunately the goal acted as a catalyst for a Lepers fightback and following some neat interplay, Drake BONKED the ball home. 1 – 1.

The goals began to flow as Drake CRACKED another strike from distance which took a wicked deflection to deceive the goalkeeper. Pure Lampard!

MVP then produced an astonishing piece of show-boating as he backheeled the ball around Ye Old Boys last man leaving Drake in the clear to complete his hatrick. WACK! 3 – 1.

The Lepers began to enjoy themselves as passes flew around the pitch. New kid Kieran, who capitalised on the concussion catastrophe, got stuck in with some textbook body-checks! Kieran was running into players like an out of control bowling ball into a Bear’s bonce. WAGless Spike had a decent game, even remembering his defensive duties on several occasions to keep Wattle and Daub at bay. Spike spoke of a Spring spin session which will give the Lepers the chance to dress up in cricket whites and get drunk. These lads love nothing better than an organised mash up!

 

Harvey then struck a fierce shot just wide leaving Ames with a difficult 7, 10 split. On the rebound, MVP KNOCKED the ball home picking up the Spare. Magnificent bowling; 4 – 1. The goals were flowing, possibly due to the fact that the phantom flat capped fogie had failed to feature for Ye Old Boys.

Shovelfoot Stoner, still seeking a superstrike, took to the field with a hungry look – the kind you get from not eating for a while. And this week his charging around the pitch actually had some purpose as he set up the Lepers 5th goal. Dudek rolled the ball out to Stoner on the wing who then turned and sent a long ball forward to Harvey. Heppers Hurricanes hero Harvey hoofed it across the box to Deadly Dan Drake to dispatch his 4th of the night leaving the keeper dazed. (Writing this is giving me a headache!)

 

Meanwhile, on the surreal Slovakian seashore, a dazed and confused Sheen was watching little boats gently drift across the water exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

MVP capped off the first half with a STRIKE from distance to make the scores 6 – 1. The game had become as easy as the Coffee Time crossword in the Sun.

The Halftime break gave the lads time to discuss yet another No Show from hapless Hoskins which meant he has no hope of holding the Heppers trophy handles. With only 8 Runners Up trophies available this season, Phil’s solitary performance will unfortunately leave him empty handed. Added to a recently alleged dog-dogging incident this was a bad week for the once-great HLFC Plc Employee of the Week. Last minute absenteeism is not tolerated!

Also absent, but due to a family bereavement, the team had heard nothing from Webb which left them asking the question: “will Will Webb wonder whether we won?”

 

The second half continued where the first had left off, except 5 minutes later and with the teams switching ends. Drake then equalled the club record of 5 goals – a record held jointly by MVP and the interloper Chris Cornwall who scored 5 goals on his debut. Nobody likes a smart @rse and so the Lepers team were willing Drake to deliver his demi-dozen and erase the memory of that bloke who held the record but whose name we can’t remember …

Ye Old Boys mounted a few attacks which were thwarted by the vocal local, Dudek. And then disaster struck as the referee awarded a penalty to Ye Old Boys for something he imagined and had clearly never happened. The ball had been squared across the edge of the box and Dudek threw himself towards the attacker. He made a fine save with his body but the dodgy ref judged him to have been outside the D. Jerzak gesticulated at the dubious adjudicator who had clearly been waiting for an opportunity to exact his revenge for Jerzak’s berating after the obvious first half penalty. The referee gave Jerzak his final warning as the ball was placed on the spot. The penalty was slotted away to take the scoreline to 7 – 2. Cheated.

What followed was another decimalisation as Drake dazzled with a demi dozen. The 10th goal of the game was celebrated by Drake with a loud shout of approval. “Who is Chris Cornwall?!”

The team headed down to the Gunner to drink Beer and listen as an unbelievable Umberto uttered unfathomable umbrellas. The alliterations flowed fluently in the night. Will the Bear be back next week?