Drake 2

Fjortoft 2

Harvey 2

Ames 2

Jerzak 1

 

 

Somehow finding themselves sitting pretty at the top of Div 1 without actually winning a game, the Lepers knew that this could only be down to one thing - Divine Intervention. Their new-found belief in Croationism was obviously guiding the team.

Croationism is a religious belief that humanity, life, the Earth, and the universe were created in their original form by a deity, in this case Slaven Bilic, whose existence is presupposed. In relation to the great Croation / Evolution debate the term Croationism is commonly used to refer to religiously-motivated rejection of evolution. That’s not to say the Heppers Lepers haven’t ‘evolved’ since the aggressive days of Division 6, it’s just that they haven’t not evolved.

 

 

 

As devout Croationists, The Heppers Lepers team take the Book of Genesis literally, which means that apparently pointless songs like Sussudio suddenly have an enormous meaning. Phil Collins once sang “There's this girl that's been on my mind All the time, Sussudio oh oh, Now she don't even know my name, But I think she likes me just the same, Sussudio oh oh, Oh, if she called me I'd be there, I'd come running anywhere, She's all I need, all my life I feel so good if I just say the word Sussudio, just say the word Oh Sussudio”. These are lyrics that a naked Charles Darwin, the infamous naturist could never possibly understand.

 

With Spikildo absent, the Lepers were relying on Bilic to strengthen the squad. Unfortunately he couldn’t make the early kick off as he was still busy taunting McClaren, but luckily he phoned Powerleague to explain his absence and by flirting with the Croatian reception he secured the Bouncy Castle pitch. Great success!

A brief spot of rain had given the outdoor pitch a real zippiness and Ames took full advantage of this to (unt) an early shot from distance. It was a Bobby Dazzler of a goal and it set the Lepers on their way. Unfortunately the opposition who weren’t Mazars, but had a similar name, weren’t about to make this easy and managed to snatch a goal back from the edge of the area. Luckily the Lepers were all singing the Genesis classic Invisible Touch, “She seems to have an invisible touch yeah She reaches in, she grabs right hold of your heart She seems to have an invisible touch yeah She takes control and slowly tears you apart”, and tear apart the opposition they did.

 

The ref missed a few ‘invisible touches’ as Ames and Jerzak pushed the opposition into each other allowing Drake to slam home a goal and retake the lead. And it wasn’t long before Harvey extended that lead to 3-1. And when called into action The Bear was magnificent. The opposition had a succession of hard shots from close range which he somehow managed to get his body behind. This was the stuff of Division 3.

But suddenly out of nowhere Sheeno burst into song signing the Genesis classic In Limbo – “Please take me away Far from this place Leaving me here Take me away”. And that was because Pseudo-Mazars had grabbed 2 quick goals to draw the game level at half time; one of the goals followed 2 great saves by the Bear, which caused the rest of the Lepers to simply stand and applaud. Unfortunately the opposition weren’t quite so sporting and seized on this lackadaisical Lepersim to have another couple of free shots, one of which finally found the net, or in actual fact just the inflatable rear of the bouncy castle void.

Fortunately the second half started better with Fjortoft smashing an immediate response. 4 – 3. And then Madman Alex sent a long range pile-driver home giving Sheeno the opportunity to once again burst into song “Cos Jesus he knows me And he knows I'm right, I've been talking to Jesus all my life, Oh yes he knows me And he knows I'm right, And he's been telling me Everything is alright”. And it was alright. Harvey found the net again, and Ames added to proceedings with a quickly taken free kick. The Angel (Peter) Gabriel was shining down on Worship Street.

 

With the score at 7 – 3 the Lepers went on a full-on attacking assault leaving the opposition unmarked to grab a couple of consolation counter attacks. Foolish! But fortunately Drake found his form and starting turning his man with joyous abandon. Lay-off flicks and Drogba-esque shots on the turn rained in on the opposition goal ending any hope of a Mazars comeback.

And Fjortoft added the final gloss to the scoreline slamming home a cleverly taken free kick. 9 – 6. Sledgehammer!

This gave the opposition the chance to join the Genesis karaoke party with a clever adaptation of a Genesis classic as they belted out, “We can’t dance, we can’t talk. Only thing about us is the way we walk. We cant dance, we can’t win, we’re playing the Lepers and losing everything.”

Slaven Bilic we salute you