Heppers Lepers went into last night’s game knowing that only a victory could give any hope of clinching the Division 5 title. With half the season played, the league was already a close resemblance of the Scottish Premierleague with a 2 horse race between the Billy Boys, Heppers Lepers and the Fenien Bastards, CHA.

Player/Manager Sheeno had limited options going into the Old Firm clash. With MVP Amesy absent due to Powerleague All-Stars commitments; Jerzak potentially out for the rest of the season with his foot injury and One-Shot Webb dropping out at the 11th hour, the squad was down to its bare bones. Confusion surrounded Webb’s absence with 2 stories doing the rounds – some believed that by chickening out of this tough test he had inadvertently been struck down with Avian Flu; others felt it had something to do with the News of the World’s weekend exposé into Webb’s deviant social life of ‘cottaging’ in the Kentish towns of Hadlow, Mereworth and Wateringbury. With just 6 players to choose from, the previous week’s plans to introduce a “Hepo’s Leppers B-Team” seemed pure fantasy.

Pre-match preparations were a shambles with each team member arriving at The Master Gunner at a different time. The arranged p!ss up to guarantee goals was in fact passed up by several members of the team leaving Drunk Drake extremely dejected. He commented, “all this talk before the game about getting lashed was bullsh!t. Every week we acknowledge that pre-match pints equal goals but most of this team still prefer to play sober. I’ve had two pints but I don’t think that’ll be enough today.” How pertinent his words would later prove!

Kick off for the game was delayed by an ambulance crew attending to a dislocated elbow suffered by a goalkeeper on pitch 2. Powerleague Manager Gordon Brittas seemed satisfied with the proceedings, “I thought the ambulance crew were eeeexcellent, although I’ve asked them in future to come round the back as it’s better for everyone’s morale.”

The game kicked off at a furious pace with both teams intent on kicking the living crap out of each other. The Lepers thrived on the fast pace and used every opportunity to break up CHA’s play. Within the first 5 minutes, the ever-reliable Jon Harvey out-muscled a CHA defender to win the ball before toe-poking it past the keeper.

For the following few minutes, the ball seemed irrelevant as both teams resorted to cage football. Each of the Heppers players continually interrupted CHA’s play with tough tackles; CHA resorted to dirty tactics, kicking players off the ball and shouting insults which were clearly witnessed by all except the referee. CHA’s squad of 7 had the added luxury of making continual substitutions to maintain their high energy levels and not long after the goal their mouthy, bald tw@t was introduced to the fray. What ensued was probably the quickest dismissal in Powerleague history as he crunched into Spike with a malicious challenge. Baldy was given his marching orders leaving Spike to berate the referee for not allowing play to continue. The Rhino was typically charged up as the tackles and kicks bounced off him. Had it not been for Harvey’s quick intervention Sheeno might have followed Baldy off the pitch. It would have been a carbon-copy of Sheeno’s previous dismissal as he raced out of the goal to confront Baldy. It is believed that Sheeno is not a fan of having a one player advantage and is always keen to even things up!

CHA made several positive attacking plays which were thwarted by the effervescent Sheeno who was willing as ever to throw all his weight behind every shot. The previous encounter with CHA could have been more embarrassing than the 7-3 drubbing had Sheeno not been in fine form that day. And yet again The Bear was on his game. With only a few minutes remaining on the clock, IT guru Phil Hoskins slotted home a sharp shot to give the Lepers a 2-0 lead at the break.

The second half commenced with twice the fire of the first. The Lepers were under the cosh and feeling the pressure with Jerzak’s continual shouts of encouragement from the sidelines even causing a minor ruckus to break out with the CHA substitutes (Baldy was unsurprisingly involved).

The pressure finally reached breaking point and the Lepers conceded a goal. The shot was clearly inside the box but the referee turned down the Lepers’ protests. The goal gave CHA belief that Sheeno was in fact a mere mortal – judging by the look of him at full time this is probably untrue! The onslaught which followed the 1st goal was intense. Every time the Lepers attacked, Drake was unceremoniously kicked off the ball. In normal circumstances this would cause no concern to Drake but he clearly feared having his new nose un-straightened.

This was the moment that Sky+ Salesman Stoner was introduced. For 20 minutes he had been jogging on the spot to psyche himself up and he charged on to the pitch to replace Drake. Under strict instructions to cover as much ground as possible and break up the play he did not disappoint. Within 2 minutes of Stoner’s introduction he was fouled on the ball. Clearly feeling aggrieved by the challenge, Stoner raised his hands and shoved the culprit to the floor. Fortunately for the Lepers the referee saw enough menace in the initial foul to order both players from the field. Stoner’s sacrifice was applauded by all except Spike who immediately realised that the Lepers would have to do even more leg work to keep out CHA.

 

Unfortunately the CHA 2nd goal finally came with an unstoppable drive into the top corner. Not even 2 goal keepers would have stopped it, although 2 bears might have! (Imagine 2 Bears in the team – one in goal and one upfront. That would be insane)

Shot after shot rained down on the Lepers’ goal but Sheeno was strong. Tipping one ferocious drive on to the bar he was then winded when throwing his body in the way of the follow-up drive. His heroics were rewarded with a rest period from the referee while he coughed up and then regurgitated a mouth full of water. It is well known that Sheeno once had an allergic reaction to water while on holiday in Malia and ever since he has religiously stuck to beer for refreshment. This should not imply that beer wasn’t his religion before that holiday!

For the final few minutes the Lepers’ goal was besieged and a winner for CHA was inevitable. However, as we have come to realise, nothing is inevitable when you have a 6 foot 4 Grizzly Bear contained inside your ‘D’. The goal never came and Sheeno was swamped at the final whistle for what must go down as performance of the season.

As the Lepers limped off the field, Sheeno picked himself up and headed to the changing rooms. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind which may have been due to the adrenaline coursing round his body but was more likely caused by alcohol withdrawal symptoms! Jana looked concerned.

Post-match debriefing was carried out at the Master Gunner where Jerzak proclaimed that this result was the best Lepers’ performance he had seen … since last week’s mighty win over 3rd place. It was also the lowest scoring game the Lepers had ever participated in – a total of only 4 goals. This gave Drake the opportunity to point out that the lack of pre-match alcohol was once again directly proportional to their goals scored. With a Heppers Lepers team emblem competition currently ongoing, the Lepers proud motto of “Beer = Goals” should feature prominently on the badge. As Sheeno summed up post-match “All I can say is thank god for beer - I couldn't breathe and felt as if I was going to throw up until that beautiful liquid entered my body”

With 6 games remaining this season it appears that the top 3 positions in the league have been set. However, nothing will stop the Lepers’ quest to win every game. Finishing 2nd place would be disappointing but should also give the opportunity to play CHA again next season. And with an all-expenses-paid (by Phil!) pre-season tour to Sheffield now on the cards, this team can only get stronger (or drunker).