The wise words of a drunken Friday night in Clapham continue to inspire the Lepers to greater and greater heights. Languishing in the pits of despair after two consecutive defeats, a man (probably the great James Cameron Hood) instructed the Lepers to win their following seven games and rely on the gods to deny Soca three victories. Like the smell of a Belgian cheese, these words infiltrated the minds of the Lepers and spurred them on.

On the subject of cheese, Harry Pearson wrote in A Tall Man in a Low Land, “the difference between the Flemish and the Dutch can be seen in cheese. Here in Flanders we make many different kinds of cheese. Hard cheese, soft cheese, goats’ cheese, sheep’s cheese. We make orange, white and blue cheeses. Cheese with herbs and with rinds soaked in beer. Hundreds of cheeses. Great cheeses. But nobody outside Belgium has heard of them. The Dutch make one kind of very tasteless cheese and the whole world knows about it. That is the difference between us and the Dutch.

In summary, Belgians don’t like the Dutch. There are some that claim that the Lepers are not liked, but I find this hard to believe. When Jerzak was ruthlessly scythed early in the game against the Blookers, the Lepers had effectively gift-wrapped the opening goal for their opponents. Especially with Drake crafting a path for the eventual goalscorer. Who couldn’t like a team this generous. Their own generosity irked the Lepers somewhat but they responded in one of the only ways they know. The ball game to Jerzak, who seemed to be enjoying a chat with Statto, and after taking a touch, he absolutely Wallooned the ball into the bottom corner; all this from within his own half. To prove that they were truly nice guys, the Lepers extended their generosity to the extent of the Belgian welfare system, which effectively sees the Flemish subsidising the pauperish Walloons. It was Sheen, with the assistance of Drake’s laziness, who donated a goal to the Blooker cause this time, rolling the ball out only to see it hit a Blooker and trickle into the bottom corner. “Oh well” said the boys.

There soon followed a period of chaos. A rotund gentleman, sporting the kit worn by Brian Kilcline in Coventry City’s glorious victory over the scum of Tottenham Hotspur in the 1987 FA Cup final, broke a power league record for shortest time to give away three fouls. After being warned by Statto of his impending entry into the record books, “Big Brian” threw his mind, body and soul into a ridiculous challenge on Madman. His pleas of “I wasn’t making a tackle” seemed rather bizarre, although Jerzak verbally concurred with his assertion. Statto deliberated before giving the eventual marching orders.

Drake soon restored parity with what was probably the worst goal in Powerleague history. He was probably discussing the merits of moules and frites, the national dish of Belgium, with the opposition keeper when the chance came to score. 2-2. Have that. Another bizarre episode occurred when Jerzak was pole-axed. Matthew Ames came in to clear up the debris but Statto misinterpreted this as over-aggression. Ames shouted “CHEAP SHOT” around this time. After further consideration, the erudite Statto offered both players the option of being sent off. Strangely, they both declined. The cheeky Mike Phipps took a grip of the situation and gave the Lepers their first lead of the game with a “left-footed sneaky one”, oh how the Lepers love those ones! The relief was evident, but there was still work to be done. Not like when the Reptillian David Platt scored the winner against Belgium in the 1990 World Cup, which must go down as one of the best moments of Steve Bull’s career. He was delighted, although sadly his caps were limited. Platty.

With the match still in chaos, the referee blew for half-time and the team turned to the south to say their daily prayers to James Cameron Hood for second half-guidance on how to protect their lead. The team were also thirstily preparing for the top twenty Belgian beers, as set out by the Rough Guide. With Drake dreaming of an 8% Kwak, Fjortoft eyeing up the Verboden Vrucht (Forbidden Fruit) at a scrumptious 9%. Jerzak was longing for the Delirium Tremens, a spicy brew also at 9%. Ames was bemoaning the lack of John Smith’s in Belgium and Sheen was slyly sipping a splendid Stella. And by the way just before half-time one of the Blookers was given a two minute “chill-out” time for more repetitive fouling. They tried to sneak him back on but Statto declared “DENIED”.

Anyway, I certainly am thirsty, said everyone, simultaneously, let’s get this game over with. Within moments of the restart the Lepers had scored a fourth. Drake, wandering around like Hercule Poirot, identified a gap in the opposition defence and expertly delivered a killer verdict on the ball, piercing the keeper’s heart. Next on the mark was the bad man of the Blookers. With a little jiggery-pokery he squeezed the ball through Ames and David “Michel Preud-Homme” Sheen. The sweaty goalkeeper got a touch before expertly scooping the ball off of the metre-thick line. However, Statto judged that the line was thinner, and in a different place, and awarded a goal of all things. Ridiculous. What a save from Sheen, was my view. The Lepers were acting as if they had all had been struck down by the curse of Leprosy at this point. Ames capitalised on this lepargy by passing the ball to a random headless chicken who brought the game back to 4-4.
It was now time to up the ante as the Lepers went about their business of winning the match, and heading towards Div 1 glory and a well-deserved retirement. Ames decided to atone for his error and “just sort of volleyed it from halfway line into the corner”. What a description, it evokes memories of many great goals from the midst of time. This was the Yorkshireman’s last useful act before being ejected from his old pal Statto (despite Sheen blocking his path from the pitch).
Danger soon lurked as the Blookers broke through. With a shot looking imminent Jerzak made a timely intervention, bosching the striker to the ground. Wails of protest emanated from the Blookers but the Lepers congratulated the man, as if he were Raymond Ceulemans, 17-times World Billiard Champion – who said there are no famous Belgians.

Another prominent Belgian, Father Damien, patron saint of Lepers was also smiling down on the Lepers. From the resulting free-kick Ames blocked and sent Drake on his way. After taking three steps, Drake was visibly tiring, so he unleashed a shot, which could have been powered by a dynamo. Some claim that the dynamo was invented by a Belgian, although others say that Zenobe Theophile Gramme merely made improvements. Never met the bloke myself so I would not like to cast judgement on his abilities.

The Blookers were looking like a ragged bunch, jigging away as if they were listening to the Singing Nun, famous for her hit US no. 1 ‘Dominique’. With time running out the Blookers bizarrely gave away a penalty. It was at the other end of the pitch so this reported could not have possibly seen it, but the Lepers in the vicinity believed it to be a free-kick and with a Big Bang attempted to punish the opposition. Statto halted the Lepers’ celebrations and made the Lepers go through the ceremony of a penalty kick. The Gaffer offered the penalty to Sheen but magnanimously he allowed Drake to step up. Kapow. Drake scuffs the ball in with the keeper leaping the wrong way. Interestingly it was a Belgian who came up with the Big Bang theory. Remarkably, prior to this, people believed that a gentle, bearded soul who lived in the clouds invented the earth and created mankind and the animals and the seas and the birds. “Let there be jibberish” and the Bible was born. Fortunately civilization has evolved and this lunacy is largely ignored.

Jerzak wrapped up proceedings with a well taken eighth goal to put a glorious sheen on the scoreline. After a performance like this, the Lepers will be hoping none of their players get snapped up under the Bosman ruling. This rule was created due to a Belgian man, Jean-Marc Bosman.

Also, as instructed by the mad scribbling of a flawed genius that I discovered on a Master Gunner menu this morning: The eighth goal was scored by Forssell and Hyppia, you see they are both Finnish and it was the last goal. And well done friend, communism. I couldn’t have put it better myself!

We then went and got mashed at the Gunner. A quiet evening turned into a celebration as news filtered through that Soca had been defeated. The Leper dream was alive due to the guiding lights of Father Hood and Father Damien.

Amen