Marvin Thompson, Deceased: Phoning Jerzak with the news of another Leper win
G'Day. With the Lepers road show set to roll on for another season of glory into Division 2, all that was left was a chance to show off some silky back-heeling skills against Stokie FC in the final game of the season. After wild-cat strikes by players claiming exhaustion led to an ignominious 3-2 defeat and scenes of uncontrollable vomiting the previous week, the Lepers were back to a solid, stupendous, superb, scurrilous and strangely sexual 7. With Jerzak still absent, the managerial responsibilities this week fell to Drake who started with the familiar, famously fantastic 5 of Bear, Rhino, The Northern Wonder, Chris Sutton and Hall-Of-Famer with Cantona and Stoneo, returning after a long-term lay-off, starting on the bench.
Stoner returns: This is the only picture i could find.
The Lepers, already assured of promotion, began by knocking the ball around comfortably after pre-match calls by Drake for the team to 'express themselves', stating his desire to see a back-heeled goal this week. These were unfamiliar circumstances for the Lepers though as they were forced to resort to football in the face of some overtly violent tactics by the Stokie players. Robbed of their familiar weapon of bullying the ball into the back of the net, the Lepers first took a while coming. Deciding more flair was required at this juncture, Drake introduced Cantona Cornwall from the bench. Stokie bean to look increasingly vulnerable as an Ames shot rattled off the inside of the post and back into play, drawing astonished gasps from a record crowd of 12. The Stokie keeper seemed to be up to everything the Lepers threw at him and it took a glorious bullet of a strike from distance by Drake to break the deadlock. With half-time fast approaching Stoner was introduced to the fray for the first time in 2 months, without a hint of rustiness he soon put a stop to the dirty aussies roughhouse tactics. I was going to make a rugby joke here, but I don't know anything about it.
Can I crow-bar a reference to Wednesday's England 'soccer' match? I'm sure I can. This has a strikingly similar methodology to my essay writing process. Anyway. With the start of the second half, the Aussie numpties struggled against the free-flowing, fast-paced, fun-packed Leper exhibition football like Jolean Lescott floundering against a Russian 'onslaught'. Drake continued to orchestrate the team, Hiidink like, from the sidelines as some fancy show-pony footwork saw Mazy-Amesy slot home the second. It was three before long as Harvey kept up his impressive scoring record after something happened and someone passed the ball for him to score somehow. Having managed to go 10 minutes without being sick, Cantona Cornwall gave himself a rest, possibly to get some beer, and Drake went once more unto the breach. After some pinball in midfield, Harby, sporting a black armband for his recently deceased cat, put in a strong tackle only to see the ball fly straight into the net. Nonchalantly strolling back up the pitch as if it was deliberate, Harby realised that he had forgotten to wear his commemorative T-shirt under his kit. His touching goal celebration was ruined. There was just time for Ames to put a little gloss on the display, volleying home from distance to make it five with 2 minutes to go. The Bear, having drifted off into a beer and boredom induced stupor for the majority of the match suddenly perked up and decided he wanted his match fees worth. Putting the clean sheet at risk Bear strolled onto the outfield to hoping for another Lepers goal to add to his collection but was cruelly denied again by refereeing ineptitude as the full-time whistle was blown moments before he was due to rifle home a screamer.
Having conceded only 19 from 14 games this season (that’s 1 and a bit a game, I think), the Lepers must congratulate themselves on an all-round hard-working performance and some terrific goal-keeping. Unfortunately there were no back-heeled goals this season.
Sheen 'dead-bats' suggestions of gaolkeeper-striker role.