And so it was last night that preparations for the inevitable coronation of the Lepers as Div 2 chamioooneees began in earnest as they brushed aside their nearest rivals Sparta Lebowski with imperious style and majesty. The outcome of the match had been decided before kick-off as it was revealed that not only would 100% FjortofT be turning out for the Lepers but the game would also be played on the 100% Leper-friendly Bouncy Castle.
'Given that F (FjortofT attendance) results in a Leper win and that the Lepers have a 100% record at BC (Bouncy Castle pitch), what will the result be when F and BC occur simultaneously?'
This is an example of one such question which may soon be appearing on GCSE Maths papers all around the country, to which the correct answer is obvious:
F+BC = Lepers 7 – 2 Lebowski
Much like King Leonidas' famed Spartans at the battle of Thermopylae, Lebowski held out bravely but there efforts were ultimately futile as they were crushed by the overwhelming force of Xerxes Persian army/Jerzaks Leper footballers. The Lepers battle scared and largely injured powerleague veterans grabbed the lead on the ten minute mark after a cagey start as the two five-a-side juggernaughts spared and jousted like champioonneee prize fighters. When the breakthrough came it was inevitably Drake who fired in with his right from an acute angle after turning his Sparta defender. Disaster struck minutes later when Lebowski confusingly drew level seemingly from nowhere as an error from Jerzak allowed the deadly Penfold to slot past the helpless Bear, or as the Lepers manager himself put it 'Bear threw it out to me, I turned to play it up the line but was viciously hacked from behind. Instead of getting up to tackle back I just looked at the ref in disgust for a very poor decision! I have a feeling he felt very silly and this was the basis of his half time Leper-loving session!' Just before halftime Drake restored the Leper advantage and restored normality to the universe as he again scored somehow. With halftime the Lepers were looking a little weary, Sheen (Back), Harby (Foot), Ames (Knee), Jerzak (Ginger) and Harvey (Low blood-alcohol) were all carrying injuries but the constant running of FjortofT and strong hold-up play of Drake allowed the Leper defence some respite as they soaked up a barrage of early attacking pressure from Lebowski as they looked to get back into the game. They clearly hadn't read their horoscopes this morning, if they had they would have realised todays game was a foregone conclusion:
'Work could be a real drag today, dear Spartan. You might be expected to put in more hours than
you usually do. Your heart isn't in it right now. You have interests of your own that you would rather be pursuing, such as Powerleague, plus you might be planning to get together with friends or
with your significant other. It's best to finish everything quickly, perhaps postponing non-essential tasks such as 5-a-side because you will lose, and then go and enjoy yourself. And you will lose 7-2 to the Lepers tonight.' (Courtesy of Russell Grants e-mail horoscopes)
Lebowski should probably have given up as soon as they drew the 'Death' card.Drake, who clearly had read his tea-leaves this morning, knew he was due at least a hat-trick and so when Sheen released another booming, under-arm, ten-pin bowling action throw to his feet, Drake easily rolled his defender and slotted home for his and the Lepers third of the night and the Lepers 100th of the season! Landmark stuff. Lebowski were clearly rattled now and their shape had utterly collapsed as the Lepers destroyed every attempt at an attack they made as Northern Wonder Ames, Nice Guy Jerzak and Harby mauled any Lebowski player venturing into their half. With violence only a hairs breadth away, the Lepers did well to keep their cool and not respond to Lebowskis cynical tactics, just like the ref told them! Even Sheen was remarkably restrained, politely asking the ref if he could possibly elaborate on the 'throwing out' rule, which for some reason Sparta didn’t like. Not surprisingly, the usual Lepers rout ensued as FjortofT grabbed the 4th after some neat interplay from Harvey and Harby, before Drake laid the ball off, apparently intentionally, for FjortofT to slot home comfortably. Drake then grabbed another identikit goal for his forth before Harvey noticed Harby strolling around on his own from a freekick and slided the ball with a Beckham-like delivery two yards to his right for Harby to hit first time under the Lebowski keeper.
However, disaster struck minutes later when Ames did something characteristically foolish by passing the ball across his own box straight to the onrushing Lebowski forward who blasted first time past an angry Bear. Idiot Ames. Apparently FjortofT scored a 'cheeky one' at the end though, so that’s alright. All in all, another stunning victory as the Lepers band-wagon rolls on. 7-2. 4 for Drake, 2 for FjortofT and 1 for Harby. -1 for both Jerzak and Ames, you've ruined our goal difference, only one conceded allowed from the next two games to stay in single figures for the season. 16 games and we can retire!
