Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Lepers all the way! Having woken up in New Cross at about 12.30 last night one particular Leper is struggling to piece together the events of yesterday evenings match. I know we won. That’s about it, so apologies if this bumper xmas addition of the match report is a little shorter on accuracy than normal (I have calculated a general accuracy level of 72% for previous match reports, I estimate, in the true style of Bear statistics, that this addition will be around 45%).
Having not played for two weeks the Lepers were feeling a little rusty and still sporting the mental scars of a pre-match eviction form the Gunner. In order to loosen up, a quick tipple at the Windmill?? Was in order. Jingling Jesusy Jerzak, Happy Holy Holiday Harvey, Relatively Religious Recreation-break Rhino, Dignified Day of Donations Dan Drake, The Santa Claus Bear and erm, Mark Stoner were all in attendance. But where was Christmassy Chris Cornwall, Festive FjortofT and Myrrhy Matt Ames? With kick-off fast approaching the team made their way to powerleague where the errant Cornwall and FjortofT were located but Ames's trials and tribulations with public transport show no signs of abating as he was again delayed arriving just in time to be sent to the bench.
Lining up with Bear, Jerzak, Harby, HoF Harvey and Drake (the name for a male duck, incidently) the Lepers started uncharacteristically slowly. The two-week break and festive cheer must have had adverse effects on general fitness levels as the Mazars began promisingly, hunting for the opening goal like King Herod hunting for the little baby Jesus. However, just like Herod, there efforts were thwarted by a big, hairy, drunken and sleep deprived Bear. At least that’s how I remember the nativity. Flinging himself hither and thither, repelling shots with all parts of his body, even risking his beautiful face. This gave the Lepers the platform to press the utterly un-christian Mazars and some simply stunning one touch football between the three wisemen of Harvey, Jerzak and Drake allowed the Hall of Famer to deliver the opening goal with style and panache. Frankinsence!
Like shepherds watching their flocks by night, Mazars guarded there goal resolutely for the remainder of the half and even the introduction of Ames, FjortofT and Cornwall could do nothing to earn the Lepers the second goal cushion they were looking for.
At half-time the Mazars team were replaced by an Elf, Jesus, Steve McQueen in the Great Escape, a bottle of baileys wrapped in tinsel and in goal, a large Norwegian Spruce with baubles. The Lepers were unfazed by such shenanigans and finally notched up goal number two when FjortofT found himself free on the edge of the area and slotted home like a postman delivering Christmas cards. The game was becoming more and more physical as Mazars were ground-down and mentally destroyed by the Lepers stunning, shining second-comingish brilliance. Resorting to such tactics would only ever play into the Lepers hands though as they are officially the strongest team in Powerleague. Fact.
The complacency of the Lepers was soon punished however as a bobbling ball somehow evaded everyone, including an almighty air-shot from the Bear in goal. There are rumours the last touch came from Spike, but without video evidence I couldn’t possibly comment. 2-1. Reindeer crap! Such setbacks were of minor significance to a Leper team high on Christmas spirit and a love for our lord Jesus as they continued to spread the word of good five-a-side footballing practice, Jerzak notching up goal number three at some point, somehow. Such was the beauty of the goal, I couldn't possibly describe it as to do so would only taint it in someway. It is a goal that must live purely in the memory of those present that night, to be treasured always, like a special Christmas gift from a loved one. Who then died. Or something.
The Mazars tried all manner of cunning tricks to work themselves back into the game, taking freekicks to themselves and even trying to take freekicks while the Lepers were making subs. Such attempts only made Jesus cry however, and he got his dad to have words with the ref who sensibly disallowed the resulting goal. We all know Jesus loves the Lepers! Further misfortune soon embroiled the Lepers as Ames's knee succumbed to its traditional spell of knack. Substituting himself, Ames mentioned the possibility of having a metal knee-cap installed to increase his power when delivering the 'Ames tackle' (that isn't a euphemism). Like Cruyff has his own turn, Ames now has his own challenge.
After 25 minutes of resistance, the Mazars had finally collapsed into a ball of stodgy Christmas pudding. All that was left now was for the Lepers to cover them in brandy and set fire to them before applying a spoonful of cream to the top. Harby duly did so after putting in a strong challenge he found himself bizarrely through on goal as the Mazars team all pushed forward. Dazed and confused he looked to pass the ball on to someone who new what they were doing, but as if guided by the star of Bethlehem, Harby was able to pass the ball coolly past the stranded goal-keeper. In the dying minutes, Drake delivered the Coup de Grace finishing in somewhat similar circumstances apparently as he found himself free on the edge of the goal with just enough time to ponder 'what would Jesus do?' before coming up with the answer, he would smash it into the back of the net, obviously. In the final seconds there was just time for Jerzak to remark, somewhat astutely, that we weren't in fact playing tennis. Such knowledge is vital before turning p to Powerleague. The outburst was caused by a penalty claim while Harby stood with his foot on the ball on the line of the goal-keepers area. The rules with regards to this are clearly the same in both sports, so one can only assume that Jerzaks utterance was in fact directed at Mazars in the belief that they actually thought they were playing tennis. Who knows? Anyway, I appear to have been sidetracked by
tennis. Which has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas or Lepers.