The Heppers Lepers rolling maul came to an abrupt halt last night against their favourite worst enemies. Five minutes of first half madness resulted in an insurmountable five-goal deficit. The five previous meetings between these five a-side sides had seen high-fives and bunch of fives in equal measures but unfortunately the Lepers’ pre-match tactics did not consist of five different game plans. It did not even contain two. Much like Sven Goran’s lame, tame ill-fated reign of England, this Lepers side might have had a ‘Plan A’ and a ‘Plan B’. However Plan A consisted of the keeper lumping it up to a target man who then shot or looked for a runner. And Plan B stated “resort to Plan A”. Unfortunately, last night Sparta opted for a revolutionary tactic of blocking Sheeno’s long throw which immediately highlighted the many inadequacies of ‘Plan B’.
We could acclaim the Lepers’ aim as they came into the game, or blame their fame and try to shame their name. But this would be futile. More - we could deplore their flaw like a Sinclair C4, or ignore that the harcore four were poor; or explore the Bear’s lack of rapport while he lay on the floor, his goal like an open barn door, but he might call me a whore and start a war over Yom Kippur.
Having once managed this great side to 21 straight victories, last night Avram Jerzak seceded his managerial sovereignty. But before any complacent Leper could hope for an easy ride, Sir Matthew Sugar announced his arrival as the new boss. His immediate task will be to find a new Leper apprentice. The Sheen era produced Cornwall, Jerzak gave us Fjortoft, and Sir Matthew has just two weeks to fill the gaps. His first meeting in the Master Gunner boardroom ended with showdown talks with Drake.
Sir Matthew: “Drake, tell me why I shouldn’t fire you”
Drake: “Sir Matthew, I am a brilliant goalscorer.”
SM: “Well you’re not that good ‘cos you didn’t bloody score tonight”
D: “Erm, well, I have consistently scored more than anybody else”
SM: “Sheen – what do you think of him”
Sheen: “He’s an idiot. Fire him”
SM: “Drake, you’ve gone from anchor to wanker. You’re fire….”
D: “Wait. Wait. Give me one more chance. Sir Matthew, I am young and will prove that I am the best”
SM: “Hmm. Ok, get out of here.”
Last night the Lepers conceded two slack goals and abandoned their shape. The gracious adversary Penfold took advantage of the shrunken D to slam home a rebound from 2 yards out before Harvey added his name to the own-goal hall of fame with a calamity of a finish. The Lepers’ patience went out of the window as they strode forward in search of goals. With five Titus Brambles trying to play like Ronaldos there was only going to be one result. Ten minutes into the game, the naïve Brambles were five goals down. It was reminiscent of Bramble's infamous pairing with Jean-Alain Boumsong at the heart of Newcastle's defence which was particularly calamitous and, according to Wikipedia, referred to as the "Chuckle Brothers live show". Just before the break Ames slammed home a Bobby Dazzler of a finish from his own half; and with 2 minutes remaining Jerzak pounced on a sloppy back pass to bundle the ball and himself into the goal. 5 – 2. And Fjortoft tried to start a fight.
Statto commented that it was the worst he’d ever seen the Lepers play; a Momma Kiely player questioned why they had changed their tactics from bully-boy bruising rugger boshing play. And so the Jerzak era ended with a damp squib of a loss leaving Ames with the difficult task of making his managerial debut against champions Soca with only half a squad next week. And although he follows Sheen with a record of Played 46, Won 34, Drew 5, Lost 7; and Jerzak’s Played 37, Won 28, Drew 2, Lost 7 he will probably need to do better than either to claim the Division 1 title in his first, and probably only, season.
What is clear is that this team is in desperate need of a shake-up, and Sir Matthew is the man to do it. All 6 players signed a contract last night to agree to play for one more season. And more importantly to not miss more than 2 games. With a rapidly shrinking squad, any holidays will need to be carefully coordinated. The retirement date has been set at 25 September 2008. Anything less than Division 1 Champions will be a disappointment…………..